My 2012 New Year’s Resolutions
January 8th, 2012
This year I will no longer use dangerous tap water in my Neti pot and will instead clean out my sinuses with Mad Dog 20/20.
This year I’ll finally stop calling the radio station’s request line to demand that they play “some f*&#ing Manilow for alls my bitches up here in da ‘burbs.” They never do.
This year I’ll launch my new age-defying, yet budget-conscious version of Botox. And hope that nobody realizes it’s just clear packing tape, Vaseline and industrial staples.
This year I will no longer ask the people holding bible studies in Panera Bread if they could please get Jesus to do something about the overcooked eggs in my breakfast sandwich. Mostly because Jesus was fired last month.
This year I’ll stop asking my OB/GYN if he drives a Vulva station wagon because he’s never once laughed at that joke. Or the one about opening a bottle of wine for me with his speculum so I can relax a little before my exam.
This year whenever someone asks me what scent I’m wearing, I’ll say “lilac.” Because “tough actin’ Tinactin and T-Gel for my dry scalp!” isn’t doing me any favors.
This year I’ll go out of my comfort zone and make friends with someone from a completely different and disadvantaged world. Like a brunette.
This year I will realize the importance of a good wine pairing and therefore always ask my waiter at Applebee’s, “Yes, my good man, could you please tell me which pinot goes best with the Steak Quesadilla Towers?”
This year I will bring a Nerf Gun with me to the movie theater and shoot foam bullets at anyone who a) uses their cellphone b) asks me to move so they can sit together or c) doesn’t try to permanently blind themselves with car keys and a box of Milk Duds after seeing a preview for yet another Kevin James movie.
This year I will no longer walk into the Children’s Section of the public library and loudly wonder where they “keep the Care Bear erotica.” Instead I’ll just download it to my Kindle.
This year I’ll finally tell the mean woman on my street that I only consider her to be a “Grizzly Mom” because she’s got more hair on her upper lip than Robin Williams does on his back. Then I’ll cry and ask her not to hit me because it was “just the meds talkin’, girlfren.”
This year I will start signing my name “Mrs. Daniel Craig” on all credit card receipts. Then maybe that snooty cashier at Der Weinerschnitzel will finally show me some mothereffin’ RESPECT.
This year I’ll tell the PTA that I really, really wish I could volunteer for the school carnival, but I don’t have much time what with all of the drug-related charges I’m facing. Then I’ll hand them a paper bag full of $100 bills and tell them to keep their yappers shut if they don’t want a visit from El Scorpion.
This year I will no longer tell my 10-year-old son to stop being obnoxious. Related: I will also no longer tell water to stop being wet.
This year I’ll once again try to get out of the house a lot more. But then again, that never really seems to work out too well for me, either.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Other resolutions I’ve broken:
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39 Comments
Add your own1. Becky | January 8th, 2012 at 11:41 am
I wish I had your amazing resolve. And Nerf Gun.
2. Ann | January 8th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
“Mrs. Daniel Craig”
for your new checks.
Happy New Year,
Grizzly Mom Brunette!
3. Erin@MommyontheSpot | January 8th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Thanks! I needed the laugh this weekend!
4. Citizen_stu | January 8th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
A brunette? Slow down there. Us gingers don’t even mix with brunette… and we’re ginger.
5. suburbancorrespondent | January 8th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
These are inspiring. I might even start sending my kids to school just so I can use your PTA excuse.
Let us know how the Vaseline/packing tape/staples experiment goes.
6. Beth Woolsey: Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids | January 8th, 2012 at 1:59 pm
A brilliant list, Wendi!
About the T-Gel, though…
The problem is, it’s harder and harder in this open, accepting world to drive people away. Sometimes telling them that I have five kids isn’t even enough. They still want to, like, come over to my house and stuff.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
So I’m sure you’ll understand why I a) have to use T-Gel, and b) can’t call it lilac. That noticeable odor-cloud of barrel-aged gun cleaner is sometimes the only barrier left between me and a kind, kind world.
7. Diane | January 8th, 2012 at 2:01 pm
We all benefit from your reclusiveness. Another gem from Mrs. Daniel Craig. Happy New Year!
8. Hope | January 8th, 2012 at 2:38 pm
Okay, look, I’m a brunette. Befriend me, and I promise you won’t find me full o’envy of you bottle blondes. Because I am
au naturel–grey strands and all!
Thanks for the hoots when I should’ve been working.
9. Hope | January 8th, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Wendi, I am sorry to say that I have never ever met a blonde over 20 not “assisted” in some way in her blonditude.
I speak from the totally unassailable stance of a person who last did anything to her hair in 1987 (highlights) but who has managed to have a BFF who’s “blonde” since college.
I think, Wendi, you’ll find me both opinionated and open-minded. Which is why I offer myself as your test case brunette friend.
10. hokgardner | January 8th, 2012 at 3:25 pm
My resolution is to sweettalk/bribe Wendi into letting me hang out with her more this year. I have brown hair, so I’d count as your disadvantaged friend.
11. tracy@sellabitmum | January 8th, 2012 at 3:47 pm
This brunette’s Applebee’s closed last month. Not sure where to go for wine anymore. Tragedy.
12. Stephanie | January 8th, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Here’s to hoping you get out of that school carnival this year!
13. Cheryl | January 8th, 2012 at 5:58 pm
If you use MD 20/20 enough, the rest of those resolutions won’t really matter.
(Pssst. Say hi to Mr. Scorpion next time you see him, okay?)
14. CaitcommentC | January 8th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I’ll be your disadvantaged friend. The up side: Ilive far away, so you can completely neglect me and our friendship. The down side: I live far away and probably won’t be able to show up in atimely fashion to drive you home from the bar, bail you out of jail, or babysit.
15. Jill | January 8th, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Well if you’re lucky like me, your 2.5 YO son can just purchase you some Botox on Groupon with your iPhone … whether you thought you needed it or not.
Though what’s worse than him purchasing it, was me returning it … and realizing after the fact that he got a darn good price!
16. Kristen | January 8th, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Thank god for Kindle. And watch our for those brunettes. They’re shifty. Well, at least the ones with the shifty eyes are shifty. I don’t know, I don’t really socialize with their kind all that much, either.
2012 is the year I aim to make people laugh half as hard as you make me laugh all the time. That seems far enough out of reach to really make me work at it, you know?
Happy New Year!
17. the mama bird diaries | January 8th, 2012 at 8:26 pm
i was so jazzed about the cheap botox.
18. Rikki | January 8th, 2012 at 8:57 pm
After reading your resolutions, I beg to differ. Under no circumstances should you leave your house. Ever.
Otherwise, have a wonderful New Year!
19. Leigh Ann | January 8th, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Don’t be silly. That Weinerschnitzel cashier doesn’t know who the hell Daniel Craig is. Which is a damn shame, but hey, less competition!
20. Lidia | January 9th, 2012 at 1:26 am
Hehehe. No longer tell water to stop being wet. That was a cute one. Thanks for the laugh.
21. muffintopmommy | January 9th, 2012 at 6:36 am
Always with the hating on Kevin James. I thought 2012 would be your year to be more inclusive, Wendi!
22. Alexandra | January 9th, 2012 at 7:28 am
I will accept your offer of friendship.
Signed,
the suffering brunette
P.S. You make me laugh…manilow…burbs…bitches.
Oh my god.
23. annie | January 9th, 2012 at 8:49 am
Hey, if God cares so much about the Denver Broncos winning, I’m sure he cares about your eggs!!! I say bring it bitches!
24. krabies | January 9th, 2012 at 9:23 am
So funny!!
My 17 year old who knows everything could explain to why water is not wet!!
25. Suniverse | January 9th, 2012 at 10:44 am
I’ll over look the disadvantaged thing, mostly because I am fabulous, and wish you luck in succeeding in your resolutions. Particularly the PTA thing. That’s just genius.
[I did something similar when I told a group that I couldn't chaperone something because I had to be in court. I neglected to mention that I was an attorney.]
26. Nancy Davis Kho | January 9th, 2012 at 11:03 am
Daniel and I didn’t find this to be very funny. He asked me to tell you so, before he returned to the business of being masculine perfection.
Signed,
The Real Mrs. Daniel Craig
27. Roxanne | January 9th, 2012 at 11:25 am
My resolutions seem to pale in comparison to yours. I imagine these will be very difficult to stick to.
28. julie gardner | January 9th, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Let me know when you get that Care Bear erotica downloaded.
I’ll send over a speculum and a bottle of pinot and you won’t ever have to leave the house.
29. dusty earth mother | January 9th, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Since I happen to be one of the people holding bible studies in Panera, I’ll get on that request. Tender eggs. Done. Cross that one off your list. You’re welcome.
30. Northern Bound | January 9th, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Gee, I feel so inadequate. My only resolution is to quit licking frozen posts. No matter how tempting.
31. The Mommy Therapy | January 9th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Why oh why isn’t your OB/GYN laughing at that joke? Clearly you need a classier doctor.
Sounds like 2012 is going to be a bang up year. Your goals are beyond ambitious. I always knew I admired you!
32. Kevin James | January 9th, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I resolve to not let Wendi’s mean comments about me hurt my jelly belly feelings!
Also, can you let me know where you get the Care Bear erotica? That could be my next movie.
33. Issa | January 9th, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I want to steal the nerf gun idea.
34. Ellen | January 9th, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Wait. I thought I was Mrs. Daniel Craig!
35. Lela Davidson | January 9th, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Your OB/GYN drives a Volvo? And you’re the smart ass? Nuh uh.
36. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him | January 9th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
These are the best. Lo mejor, El Scorpion.
(Now I get why you were asking about my latest hair color. Drawing your line in the sand, I get it.)
37. bridgetstraub.com | January 10th, 2012 at 12:22 am
I kind of love the nerf gun idea.
38. Karen | January 12th, 2012 at 11:14 am
OMG … you are too funny! Can I be your “color challenge” friend? I USED to be a blonde, many many many many moons ago. (Of course only my hairdresser knew for sure (ha)! Now all I’ve got are some gray highlights (ya right) with this DARK hair that turned REALLY dark after I turned 50. (WTF) Anyway, I’ve signed up to follow you because … I LOVE your wit Girl! BTW, I’m a Mrs. Daniel Craig wanna-be.
39. anymommy | January 12th, 2012 at 3:41 pm
Hilarious perfection.
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