Question 1:

I will soon be visiting Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, aka the hometown of Kate Gosselin and her 275 1/2 children. While I’m there, is it a good idea to wear my Kate G Halloween wig (classic edition) around town? You know, just to incite the paparazzi and ultimately land my own reality TV show Gurl’s Gone Gosselin?

Or should I instead take my husband’s advice and “not rain shame upon our family”?

Question 2:

After Pennsylvania, I will be headed to NYC where I’m staying in a place arranged by my friend Marinka. However, based on a few things she’s rather gleefully mentioned, I now strongly suspect that the room isn’t actually a “Pied-a-Terre” and is more of a “Federal Witness Protection Safe House.”

Therefore, although she’s advised me to keep the blinds shut and promises to make sure I look like a size 4 in my chalk outline, should I trust her or instead book the boiler room at the Queens YMCA where the only danger I face is mutated sewer rats?

Question 3:

Despite spending thousands of dollars on water and non-pesticide-ish lawn care, we just received a letter from our Homeowner’s Association saying that our dying lawn is a disgrace to the neighborhood and we need to take care of it ASAP. Yep. Even though it’s now August. In Texas. AND NOTHING HOLY IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALIVE.

So tell me, should my dignified response to the HOA be a three page detailed letter explaining my case? Or would two choice words scrawled on a piece of paper in serial killer handwriting, then attached to a flying brick, be sufficient?

Question 4:

Through some huge error in judgment, I have recently been put in charge of the school’s upcoming slide show. However, upon review of my iPod music library, it would seem that most of the lyrics to the songs I own are slightly inappropriate for children ages K-5. (Personal note to Mr. Rick James: What is WRONG with you? Seriously. Not everything rhymes with “pussy,” you sicko.)

Therefore, would it be okay to make the school slide show an All Manilow Event, or do I instead have to suck it up and purchase “popular” music? And if so, how does one find such a thing? Do I have to Google a Bieber?

Question 5:

Sandra Bullock is now living part-time in Austin. If I want to be her new BFF, should I:  A) Adopt an African-American football player  B) Take down my “MissCongenialitySucksBalls.com” website or C) Sign a notarized document promising to never, ever get a neck tattoo and/or “go for a ride on Jesse James’ hog.”  Or D) All of the above, baby. All…of…the…above.

Well, I think that’s it.  Thanks for reading, and if you could all let me know your answers just as soon as possible, I’d really, really appreciate it.

I obviously need the help.