Chocolate Love
February 23rd, 2010
This is Hot Chocolate:
I love Hot Chocolate. I worship Hot Chocolate. I wear Hot Chocolate every single day.
I wear it with a yellow shirt, blue sweatpants and socks. I wear it with a striped shirt, old jeans and slippers. I wear it with pajamas. I wear it with work-out clothes. I wear it with a lot of style and a lot of odd charm.
Some days Hot Chocolate is belted with a plaid scarf. Some days Hot Chocolate has bits of popcorn stuck to it. Most days Hot Chocolate smells like string cheese and $8 chardonnay.
Hot Chocolate is what Mr. Rogers would wear if he were a 40-year-old crabby woman with thin skin and an inefficiently heated house.
But while I never, ever take Hot Chocolate off when I’m home, tragically, Hot Chocolate doesn’t ever go outside with me. It doesn’t get to grocery shop. It doesn’t get to go to the spa. It doesn’t even get to sit at a PTA meeting and point out all the women who need their upper lips waxed. This makes Hot Chocolate very sad.
The reason Hot Chocolate doesn’t ever go anywhere is because my husband considers it to be my “secret shame.” He does not love Hot Chocolate. He does not worship Hot Chocolate. In fact, he doesn’t even call it by its real name. Rather, he instead chooses to call my gorgeous brown sweater creation:
- That Ugly Brown Thing
- The Dead Bear Suit
- Robin Williams’ Wardrobe From The Fisher King
- Something a Shaved Monkey Would Wear At the L’Oreal Test Laboratory
- Knitted Birth Control
But while Hot Chocolate may have haters, I still know we’re meant to be. You see, most people don’t understand the allure of a four foot long ratty sweater bought three years ago from the 75% off rack at Macy’s. Most people don’t want to dress like a molting Yeti. Most people don’t want to repulse their husband on a daily basis. But that’s okay because I do. True love is always hard to understand.
So for now, Hot Chocolate and I will just remain hidden indoors. We will sleep together, we will eat together, we will sprawl on the couch and take shots of discount tequila every time someone from NBC says something completely asinine during the Olympic coverage—together. Because I love my beautiful sweater, and I will never, ever stop wearing Hot Chocolate.
At least until March when all the cute spring tops come out.
_____________________________________________________
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50 Comments
Add your own1. muffintopmommy | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Fab, fab, fab! You totally get it! Viva Hot Chocolate! I think I have my own version of Hot Chocolate–a 2004 dingy, grey Red Sox World Series sweatshirt that is (gasp!) beginning to fray! It has seen me through three pregnancies. I’ve globbed beer, chocolate, buffalo sauce, pasta sauce–you name it and it never looks stained. When I put it on, I’m in the zone of comfort. It’s my miracle sweatshirt and I cherish it. If it disentegrates, I don’t know how I’ll ever go on…
2. Becky Mochaface | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:17 pm
holy crap, Knitted Birth Control. Genius! And cannot stop laughing.
3. Libby | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:29 pm
My husband once threatened to throw out my favorite sweater. He bought me all kinds of “fancy” sweaters to replace it.
He just doesn’t get it.
4. coffeypot | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:30 pm
I like the Dead Bear Skin. Funny!
5. mommy on the spot | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:39 pm
- Something a Shaved Monkey Would Wear At the L’Oreal Test Labrator. . . that’s hilarious!
Yeah, my husband bitches about how much black I wear. Maybe he’d feel differently if he gained a ton of weight while housing another human being and felt it hid his muffin top . . .
6. mommy on the spot | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:40 pm
shaved monkey at the l’oreal test lab – hilarious!!
Yeah, my husband bitches about how much black I wear. Maybe he’d feel differently if he gained a ton of weight while housing another human being and felt it hid his muffin top . . .
7. Margaret (Nanny Goats) | February 23rd, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Am I seeing things, or is the left sleeve about 8 inches longer than the right sleeve? Your husband must not have a 20-yr-old hideous recliner held together with duct tape that he refuses to part with or else he’d be more understanding. And the sacrifice you make everyday by not leaving the house wearing it knows no bounds. You are a hero.
8. Shelly | February 23rd, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Knitted birth control! Brilliance! I have a snuggie that I refer to as my “woobie”. No one else is allowed to touch it.
9. Maggie | February 23rd, 2010 at 1:05 pm
I have my football jersey. I’ve had it for 15 yrs, and my ex-husband thought it was so “cute” when we were young…and then became a hater. Well, to say the least the jersey still sleeps with me every night…he doesn’t. haha. Seriously don’t talk shit about my jersey.
10. zalaine | February 23rd, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I think we all have a Hot Chocolate in our lives. When and if we are ever inclined to Let Go, it will be on our time table. I have several HC that follow the seasons and I am good with that. As for everyone else, let them go find their own knitted birth control (you are so smart!) and leave the rest of us alone!
11. Wendi | February 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Dear Wendi, would spouse rather you don a leopard print Snuggie? How does he feel about a Slanket? Does he even realize how much worse it could be?
I applaud your commitment to Hot Chocolate.
The Other Wendi
12. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | February 23rd, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Um, I think I have Hot Chocolate’s sister Grey Smelly Cat. Except I LOVE her and am never ashamed to rock her wonderfulness in public.
Although suddenly you’re making me feel that a break up might be in order…
13. Aunt Becky | February 23rd, 2010 at 2:58 pm
That reminds me of my yoga pants. Which are GAUCHO yoga pants. Pretty sure no one would ever do me while I wore them. Or AFTER I wore them. Maybe that’s a good thing…
14. Meredith | February 23rd, 2010 at 3:54 pm
How completely lame is it that the only thing I can ever think of to post in the comment section of your blog is “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Really–I can’t ever read without actually guffawing. Thank you for that!
15. home and uncool | February 23rd, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Two words: space heater.
Three more: Sit on one.
Keep warm.
16. Andrea | February 23rd, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Bwahahaha! Knitted birth control! Love it! I am still laughing 10 minutes later, I had to show my roommate…who has become acquainted with me rocking my favorite pj bottoms from old navy. They are plaid with green and other colors…talk about sexy. I know you all are jealous; admit it already. I just don’t have an awesome name like “Hot Chocolate”…yet. That is officially my new project, well, after the 10 millions things I have to do for pharmacy school classes this week. Thanks for the laugh, as usual!
17. emily bilbrey | February 23rd, 2010 at 4:26 pm
i have a ratty, poop brown knit sweater with all the buttons missing, which i got while i was pregnant and can NOT let go of. it’s totally gross and i wouldn’t be caught dead in it outside of my house. it is my secret shame, and i will smile tonight when i snuggle into it with a stiff drink after a long day of cleaning poo out of baby fat rolls…
also, i got you a flower:
http://poppymilkface.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/the-one-where-i-got-another-pretty-pretty-button/
cheers!
18. Lisa Rae @smacksy | February 23rd, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Girls are pretty.
19. Gretchen | February 23rd, 2010 at 4:36 pm
When I was little, my Mama had a housedress that Daddy referred to as “the burlap sack”. She wore it often. Really often. One day, in a fit, Daddy took the thing outside, and ceremonially burned it in the barbecue pit.
20. Mirth | February 23rd, 2010 at 5:02 pm
First of all, I can’t believe you wrote that articulate of a post with what has to be a .80 blood alcohol level from all the tequila consumption.
I also have something that Mister C finds repulsive, an old sweatshirt from UCONN that was a hand me down when I got it 25 years ago. Let’s just say it’s gotten so thin that I am required to wear a tank top underneath is in order to not be considered burlesque-like. I love it though, it is so soft!
21. Lisa | February 23rd, 2010 at 5:52 pm
I like “knitted birth control” and I like Hot Chocolate. It looks super comfy.
Birth control or not…
22. Sarah | February 23rd, 2010 at 8:23 pm
Dead Bear Suit
Knitted Birth Control
Holy shitsky, brilliance.
I have similar wardrobe entities…meet purple sweatpants, among other things. I blatantly get the disapproving nod when I come downstairs with these babies on.
OH WELL, I say. OH WELL!
23. Sophie, Inzaburbs | February 23rd, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Oh, I wish I had Hot Chocolate! It is so cold right now…
My own secret shame is a pair of black knit maternity pants (the kind which sit under your belly – pur-lease). I mean, a woman is only pregnant for 9 months at a time, it seems such a waste to throw them out, especially when they are so warm and comfy.
Maybe I should name them Black Panther. Grrrrr.
24. Amy from circlerice | February 24th, 2010 at 12:01 am
ha ha. Hot Chocolate reminds me of my pepto bismol colored pajama pants. They are made out of that fuzzy sock material. I LOVE em.
25. Sophie | February 24th, 2010 at 6:39 am
We need some pictures of you wearing Hot Chocolate. For… um…. future reference?
26. johnomori | February 24th, 2010 at 7:21 am
I am speechless. Utterly speechless. Not surprisingly, I am with the old man on this one and will be praising my wife’s ratty PJ bottoms and multiple sweatshirts tonight.
27. Crys | February 24th, 2010 at 7:27 am
What is it with men? Why can’t they understand the sentiment behind us keeping things WAY past their prime? I mean we’ve kept them around haven’t we? They should be thankful!
28. Sarah M | February 24th, 2010 at 7:44 am
Knitted birth control!!! Now that is a classic ha ha ha!!!
NBC Olympic coverage sucks…you must be in a tequila haze :0)
29. Princess Mikkimoto | February 24th, 2010 at 7:47 am
Most people don’t want to dress like a molting Yeti.
can’t stop laughing.
genius.
May you and Hot Chocolate have a long happy life.
30. ann | February 24th, 2010 at 7:48 am
Hot Chocolate is what Mr. Rogers would wear if he were a 40-year-old crabby woman with thin skin and an inefficiently heated house
(made me cackle)
Love,
One of those women who need their upper lip waxed
31. Krabies | February 24th, 2010 at 8:22 am
I have a purple blanket that lives in my car! Purple blanket has saved this North Dakota girl at many outdoor athletic events that are held in the spring and fall but feel like winter.
32. Ivan Toblog | February 24th, 2010 at 10:49 am
I’m sayin’ nothin’
That said, nobody better comment on my indoor attire either.
33. SoccerMom | February 24th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I have a similar “evening” attire. That I wouldn’t any one to see me in, but it is so comfortable that I am just not willing to give it up. However I don’t have a name for it. I’m sure my husband does, and I don’t want to know.
34. Pauline | February 24th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
You should have seen the ratty old, tan coloured cardigan I used to wear during my university days! Truely horrifying and VERY comfy!
35. Samina | February 24th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
You owe me a new keyboard. The old one hung in there until I got to the “knitted birth control” line. I feel for you, though. My ratty seafoam green sweatpants finally gave up the ghost. Even I admit that they were vomit inducing, but they were comfy. And, I’m not a pastel or seafoam anything kind of girl, so while the pants were bad enough, wearing them against my olive skin tone raised the bar to projectile-vomit inducing.
36. Patty | February 24th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
I love your Hot Chocolate. I, myself, have infinite variations of The Purple People Eater, usually a soft flannel or looped terry or fleece purple garment that keeps me warm and happy and is ugly as sin.
In this incarnation, it is a weird hooded vest knit of some very strange fiber. Warm and soft, though.
37. Stefanie | February 24th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
So I have this great pair of pajama pants which I have been in love with since the day I brought them home from the half off rack at Old Navy. Well, it turns out that Jon doesn’t appreciate them the way I do and has taken to calling them my Doug Henning pants. Then he starts saying “It’s an illusion!” in a really annoying voice that’s supposed to sound like Doug Henning but really sounds more like he has some sort of speech impediment. But recently he HID them in a pair of his pants. I found them while i was rifling through his pants looking for money and immediately put them on and I haven’t taken them off since.
38. Maureen@IslandRoar | February 24th, 2010 at 9:44 pm
Aw, I love Hot Chocolate!
Some people just don’t understand real love.
39. Nap Warden | February 24th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
Same here…Husband is always buying cute things for me to “wear around the house” problem is…it’s like a friggin’ meat locker up in here! Enter big ugly Ab & Fitch sweater…hello warm:)
40. Sarah | February 24th, 2010 at 10:14 pm
I have something very similar to Hot Chocolate! But I wear it EVERYWHERE. My husband is also unimpressed by the comfort and utility of a “day robe.” The only problem is – has yours every accidentally gone in the toilet because of the length? I hate that.
41. Lisa D | February 25th, 2010 at 1:16 am
OMG – “knitted birth control”??? REALLY? Your sense of humor has obviously rubbed off on him…..
42. Kate Coveny Hood | February 25th, 2010 at 6:02 am
Mine is a charcoal gray, toggle button sweater I bought at Target last Fall. It hits mid thigh – so it keeps my upper half very warm (a lap blanket must be employed for my legs if things become desperate). It looked new for about five minutes after I pulled off the tags. Since then it looks like it was plucked from a bag of clothes our parents owned in the 70s. It might smell like that too – but I can’t be sure since I’m always wearing it.
43. JK | February 25th, 2010 at 6:21 am
Brava!! I have my own Hot Chocolate, but what can I call it if it’s a hunter green fleece? I was shocked to see it in the video with my baby who is now 16! Still looks the same to me.
44. Cathy | February 25th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
My item is called Orange Sweatshirt, and actually, it is a plural. I loved the first one so much I went back to Target for number two. (That is to say I went back to Target pick up a second one, not to go poop.)
It has seen me through many different weights and eras.
I once made a scrapbook page about it.
(Like THAT would surprise anyone.)
Long live repetitive wardrobe choices!
45. the mama bird diaries | February 25th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Love this. I’m wearing hot chocolate’s sister sweater right now.
46. Chris Mancini | February 26th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Is there a rack at Macy’s called “husband repulsors”? Because I think my wife bought the same thing you did. Finally, I had to bury it when she was in the shower.
47. Jennifer | February 27th, 2010 at 11:52 am
I have a sweater that is so cozy, comfy and ugly. Every single time I put it on and know my husband is going to see me in it AGAIN, I think to myself “Familiarity breeds contempt.” I have a hard time thinking he doesn’t shudder when he spots it.
Did I mention how cozy and comfy it is?
We’re doing Mr. Rogers proud.
48. ~Tim | February 27th, 2010 at 5:16 pm
I love hot chocolate. And your sweater. And your husband’s alternative names for your sweater. I really should have swallowed my coffee before I read this post….
49. Invader_Stu | February 28th, 2010 at 9:47 am
Call me dumb but I spent the first part of the post thinking, “Has she cracked? That is not a photo of a cup of hot chocolate.”
50. Cait | February 28th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
That sweater makes me want thin mints and a box of chardonay.
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