The Bank Statement
January 27th, 2010
Dear Broadway Bank,
Why, hello! I just wanted to drop you a quick line to say “Welcome to the neighborhood!” (Note: I’m not the “official” new neighbor greeter or anything, so this is all you’re getting. Do not expect muffins.)
All of us over here in the subdivision have been rather eagerly watching your building go up these past few months. Of course, most of us assumed that once it was completed, it would either be yet another church or the 47th Walgreen’s pharmacy in our 2-mile radius. (Because when we Texans aren’t praying, we’re apparently filling prescriptions and getting our film processed, y’all.)
So imagine our surprise when we heard that there was a brand-new bank branch opening just across the street. “Wow!” we all said. “A new bank? Does that take big, swinging balls in this economy or what?! Don’t those people ever read the newspaper? Ha, ha, ha! For the love of God, nobody has any money left these days! Not even the well-established pimps!” (What can I say—we’re big kidders around here.)
Now, as banking professionals, you obviously know that the first order of business is to attract new customers who’ll put their precious greenbacks into those cute, little vaults of yours. And my kudos to you for knowing that the best way to do this is via friendly letters letting local residents know about the great things you’re offering.
However, while I’m no banking expert—I mean, up until last year, I thought FDIC meant “Free Doughnuts If Catholic”—I do have one major piece of advice for you: When sending out your two-page letters, you might want to make sure that the people on your mailing list are 1) Alive and/or 2) Not in Kindergarten.
Yesterday, we received two envelopes from you, but for some reason, neither one of them was addressed to me or my husband (aka The Living People Who Earn Money). Instead, one was addressed to my father-in law:
Who has been deceased for over five years and is most likely no longer interested in Free Bill Pay.
And the second one was addressed to my son Jack:
Who was really excited to get something in the mail, but unfortunately for you, he’s 6-years-old and the only thing he has to deposit is a Nerf gun and his collection of rather sticky LEGOs. (Although they’re probably worth a lot more than my 401K, so be sure to tell me if the new banking regulations let you accept plastic toys as currency. Something tells me they just might.)
So, Broadway Bank, it looks like your new branch is off to a rather rough start, but I do wish you the best. Lord knows we’d all like to see you do well and thrive in our neighborhood. But just know that if you work hard, act friendly, and revise the ever-loving hell out of that lame-ass mailing list, you’ll be off to a good start. And if times ever do get tough, at least you’ll be able to head on over to the closest Walgreen’s.
I hear they’re building one right next door to the new church.
Your neighbor,
Wendi
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
35 Comments
Add your own1. Lisa Rae @smacksy | January 27th, 2010 at 11:13 am
I will never read the letters FDIC without thinking of catechism snack-time again.
2. Skip | January 27th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Obviously, the bank was into economy. They bought the cheapest mailing list for you neighborhood they could find. Mailers are so old school anyway.
The most current form of connecting in a neighborhood is having someone stand on the corner and do really ridiculous stuff with a sign so that nobody can read it.
3. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | January 27th, 2010 at 11:15 am
If they do take Legos as currency, I’m rich, bitch!
4. muffintopmommy | January 27th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Doesn’t their wonderful use of bank resources make you want to race on over there(in your Merona sweatshirt)and entrust them with your family fortune?! I wonder how much dough they wasted on two page mailers to the deceased and the barely potty trained? You may have better luck investing in Walgreen’s from the sound of it. Yeehah!
FUNNY!
5. Marinka | January 27th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Great, now I have to look for an FDIJ bank.
6. Cait | January 27th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
My sister told me that FDIC stood for Free Dimes If Caitlyn. I was so excited the first time my Gram took me into the bank. I walked right up to the counter and announced, “I’m Caitlyn!” with the biggest, cutest smile I could muster. You can imagine how pissed I was when the free dimes didn’t come showering down.
Can I commission you to write a letter to the Danish People’s Party? They keep sending me letters inviting me to give them money and join their party. The thing is, they hate anything and anyone not Danish (exhibit me…)
7. hokgardner | January 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Those are at least less creepy than the mailer I got addressed to my father from the National Cremation Society asking if he wanted to join. My sister’s question was whether the number of members goes up or down.
8. Nicole | January 27th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
mmm…sticky legos. I suspect our lego collection is also more likely to fund our retirement that whatever’s in there now. Love the letter.
9. amy2boys | January 27th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
My life would be complete if FDIC really did mean “Free Doughnuts If Catholic.”
10. amy2boys | January 27th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Also, I love your blog design. Very nice.
11. Andrea | January 27th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
I gave up Catholicism when cynicism took over. Does that mean I don’t get doughnuts now? Darn. No doughnut is worth that hassle again.
As for the Walgreens, it will only be built if it is on a street corner. See, the big red “W” has a nice little business model that allows them to purchase new property but only if it is on the street corner of “Main and Main”. Thay way, they can buy up the land around it and rule the whole street. Hmmm….can you guess who I work for in the summers between my 4 years of pharmacy school? Oh and Tucson, AZ has Austin beat by a mile – there are less than 1 million people in Tucson, but there are 67 Walgreens. Take that, Texas!
I just realized my response has nothing to do with your letter…is it Friday yet because I am already burnt out and it is only the second week of school. Funny letter, as usual, Wendi!
12. Sarah M | January 27th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
FDIC…I am ruined for life now!!! And we all know LEGO’s are worth LOADS of money..have you seen the prices for some of those sets…! My son was interested in the Death Star…It was something like $600 …can you freakin believe it…WHO can afford that for Lego????? NOT ME!
13. Jan | January 27th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Oh, I really hope it’s true about the Legos. Because I have about $1 million worth in my son’s room right now. I oughta know because I spent a day picking them up out of the midst of all the crumbs on the floor so that I could actually vacuum in there without having my vacuum cleaner sound and even look like one of those “popcorn popper” push toys that little toddlers get from grandma and grandpa, with the sole purpose of driving their parents absolutely ’round the bend.
Of course, while the Legos may be worth $1 million NOW, I probably spent $2 million buying them new. Which means all those cardboard boxes, plastic baggies with numbers, and the all important manuals are also worth $1 million and I. threw. them. away. Sigh…
14. the mama bird diaries | January 27th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Maybe Broadway Bank could put in a pharmacy?
15. dg at diaryofamadbathroom | January 27th, 2010 at 8:04 pm
That would make sense at my house. My dead relatives and my kids all have more money than I do.
16. Mirth | January 27th, 2010 at 10:32 pm
If legos are currency, I just drove a $10 bill into my heel walking down my hallway.
17. Amy from circlerice | January 27th, 2010 at 10:33 pm
This bank is giving away free blogging material! Sounds like a great place to bank. Not.
18. Charlie | January 27th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
whahahwha… clearly they didnt do their homework right. how did they get ur son’s name anyway?
19. Sophie | January 28th, 2010 at 12:37 am
The thing I learned about banking today:
“ever-loving” can be used for a swearword.
I love you Wendi, in the most non-swearword way possible!
20. Lady Who Lunches | January 28th, 2010 at 4:27 am
Awesome. Hilarious. And, they just handed that comic gold right to you!
Love your writing.
21. Sara | January 28th, 2010 at 7:00 am
That was great! I needed a good laugh this morning. And don’t forget about the CVS that will be built accross from the Walgreens. That seems to be the business model here in San Antonio.
22. Patty | January 28th, 2010 at 8:38 am
I wish I had some sticky Legos. Given the state of my 457 and retirement funds, I’m going to be working until 2053. I want those donuts when I finally retire, even if I did turn in the knee pads!
23. Mandy | January 28th, 2010 at 10:20 am
Hahahahaha. Yes. “When we Texans aren’t praying, we’re apparently filling prescriptions and getting our film processed, y’all.” AMEN to that.
24. Becky | January 28th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I consider myself a seasoned marketeer (why my boss refuses to put “Marketing Godess” as my title on my business card is still a mystery to me – but I digress), so let me apologize on behalf of my professional brethren. Except for the stupid asses who aren’t smart enough to clean up their lists. They bring us all down, much in the way Paris Hilton does for her blond sisterhood. Broadway Bank – you’re HOT!
25. Tracy | January 28th, 2010 at 11:46 am
LOVE the acronym for FDIC…This post was great!
26. Mehitabell | January 28th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
What – no giant inflatable dinosaur on the corner, waving a huge orange “Free Checking” sign? When did banks become so….civilized?
27. mommy on the spot | January 28th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Giant swinging balls! That’s hilarious!
28. Jessie | January 28th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
love your writing!
29. Kate Coveny Hood | January 29th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Ugh – all of those acronyns…LOL, ROFL, IRL, SWF, GLBT, FDIC. I can’t keep them straight. I’m convinced this is why I’m a dismal failure at Twitter…and keeping money in my bank account.
30. Jasmine | January 29th, 2010 at 8:08 am
oooh my
31. Anna Lefler | January 29th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
This reminds me of the time I was in college and needed to cash in a savings bond (hey, pizza is important when you’re in college) and the green teller insisted that the “POD” on the front of the bond didn’t mean “Pay On Demand,” but rather “Pay On Death.”
She wouldn’t give me the money because I was still alive.
(Which was ironic because if I didn’t get some pizza soon, I really WAS going to die.)
A.
P.S. Oh, to finish the story – I shot her.
32. Margo | January 29th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
The little bank would be much better off if they sent out “dear resident” letters and announced FMIB (free muffins if breathing) My older daughter got a Delta skymiles card when she was a baby. She’s 17 now and still gets better credit card offers than her parents.
33. Kendra | January 29th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
I am constantly getting offers to refinance my mortgage addressed to “Kendra and James.” James is my husband’s brother, and I have no idea how we ended up on some list together!
They must be getting the same lists as your local bank.
34. Lisa | January 31st, 2010 at 7:04 pm
Wow. They didn’t do their research very well did they? Guess they were too busy counting the money!
35. Carol | February 3rd, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Ah, you made me laugh! Thanks!
Carol
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed