Talking Sh*t
November 16th, 2009
As you may have heard, last week a guy who has a Twitter account that’s called “Shit My Dad Says” in which he tweets the cranky things his 73 year-old father mutters like, “A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching” was given not only a major book deal, but a TV deal, too. And that was after just 75 tweets, or a total of about 10,500 words.
That sound you hear right now is a million writers sobbing into their whiskey.
Of course, my first thought after I heard this news was, “Lucky bastard.” My second thought was, “Thanks, mom and dad. Thanks for screwing me once again by being so nice and normal. Jerks.” I mean, all this guy did to make it in Hollywood was just type out the funny, crabby things his dad said. And while my mom’s good for an occasional “Put on some lipstick so you don’t look like an albino corpse,” it’s not like she gives me enough of that material to make a living. No, she’s too busy being kind and supportive, which is great and all, but that crap’s sure as hell not going to get me a meeting with the head of NBC, is it?
For that reason, I’ve been busy thinking up other Twitter accounts that’ll help me get more attention as well as a private jet and a three picture deal with George Clooney. Let me know what you think—-I have a pretty good feeling about these.
POSSIBLE NEW TWITTER SENSATIONS:
1. Shit My Cat Says
2. Shit I Say to My Cat
3. Shit My Cat Says To Me In Response to What I Just Said
4. Shit I Say To My Cat After It Answers What I Just Said About What It Said The First Time It Said Something To Me
5. Shit My Husband Says About Me and My Cat Needing Therapy
6. Shit My Hair Guy Says
7. Shit My Nail Guy Says
8. Shit My Hair Guy Says About My Nail Guy While Rolling His Eyes
9. Shit My Inner Voice Says
10. Shit My Outer Voice Says
11. Shit My Outer Voice Says During PTO Meetings That It Really Shouldn’t Say Because Now My Outer Voice Has to Volunteer At the Dumb “Reading Jamboree” And Can’t Stay Home and Watch Glee In Its Ratty Sweatpants Instead
12. Shit My Stupid Neighbor Gary Says
13. Shit My Stupid Neighbor Gary Says That I Later Post On the Neighborhood Listserv
14. Shit My Homeowners Association Says When They Email Me About Why I Can No Longer Do This to My Stupid Neighbor Gary Even Though I Really, Really Want To Because Gary Is Evil and Hates Polar Bears
15. Shit My OB/GYN Says
16. Shit My OB/GYN Says That Doesn’t Include The Phrase “This Might Feel a Little Cold”
17. Shit My Friend Maria Says
18. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine
19. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine While Also On Benadryl
20. Shit My Friend Maria Says After She Drinks Wine While Also On Benadryl That She Begs Me Not to Tell Her Husband
21. Shit My New Cleaning Woman Who Maria Is Now Paying For Says
So that’s it. That’s my list. Now all I have to do is just sit back, relax and wait for the hundreds of film and television offers to just roll in. And I really, really hope they do.
Because if they don’t, it’ll be kind of shitty.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
57 Comments
Add your own1. Stillie | November 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
I can’t believe that. And you totally called it, didn’t you?! Way back when?!
Man. Isn’t that guy, like, 28 and still living at home? With a baby somewhere?
Life sucks for those of us productive members of society with our own homes and jobs and whatnot. No book deal, a free blog template, I can’t even afford a vanity URL…
2. Debbi | November 16th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I would totally follow # 1-5. Because my cat told me to.
3. Marinka | November 16th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
I’m working on a family friendly version.
“Poop my kids say.” I think PBS will pick it up.
4. hokgardner | November 16th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I’d totally watch #11.
5. ShallowGal | November 16th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Nice try but I already have the twitter handle #Shit I Say To My Cat After It Answers What I Just Said About What It Said The First Time It Said Something. I sold it to Disney. And I’m going to be on the cover of Cooking Light.
Better luck next time.
6. Love | November 16th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Shitmydadsays is hilarious and I hope he gets a book. Now, “Shit my outer voice says during PTO meetings…” – that is genius. It should get you multiple books and a major love scene with George Clooney playing the martyr husband of the snarky President of the PTO. Unless you’re the president. Then it would be the ingenious, sexy President of the PTO.
7. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | November 16th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Did you read Variety today? Stupid Neighbor Gary just got a pay or play deal at Sony.
8. Libby | November 16th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I would watch #19.
Also, if you look at the stuff currently on TV (hello, Jenna Elfman’s new show), no one execs are looking at Twitter.
I still hate the little bastard though.
9. Sarah M | November 16th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
OMG you are killing me here!!!! #11 is my absolute shitty favorite!
10. Heather | November 16th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I am seriously digging #10…but for me #9 and #10 are the same.
11. Ashley, the Accidental Olympian | November 16th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
How about, Shit I Say To My Dog After WAY Too Much Wine When No One Else Will Bother To Talk To My Drunk Ass.
I think I could take this global.
12. butterflyfish | November 16th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
http://hijinksensue.com/2009/11/11/shittheyputontv/
13. Aunt Becky | November 16th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
#9 is my favorite. OH WAIT. That’s my blog. THAT’S RIGHT.
14. Allison | November 16th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I would definitely give you a book deal. It might be copied on the church printer, but that’s okay,right?
15. Margaret (Nanny Goats) | November 16th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Well I hope you plan to use the same password for all those accounts, because otherwise good luck keeping track of them all. Also? There may be a twitter name length limit, so you may have to go with that acronym thingie you did on your last post.
16. Tracy Hahn-Burkett | November 16th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I’m going with, “Shit I Say After Learning that the Shit-My-Dad-Says Guy Got a TV Deal Before I Realize that I’m Actually Speaking Out Loud or Writing a Comment on Someone Else’s Blog.”
17. Braja | November 16th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Bastards. All of them.
18. Anna Lefler | November 17th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Thank God the entertainment execs have finally recognized that untapped viewer goldmine: the Eddie Albert/Abe Vigoda demographic.
And let’s not overlook the lucrative Spanish-language market. Coming this fall on Telemundo: “Caca My Friend Miguel The Yoga Instructor Says!”
19. Charlie | November 17th, 2009 at 1:24 am
i like number 5. I’d vote for it
you go lady
20. Mwa | November 17th, 2009 at 1:47 am
You made me laugh before ten in the morning. Is that even legal?
21. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | November 17th, 2009 at 4:35 am
It’s funny (or maybe not), but I have always felt like Shit My Dad says is hilarious, but written. I don’t know if this is off the dome of an actual 73 year old or if he is just the inspiration or voice that this young dude writes in. I also feel like if it’s written, then good for him, he deserves all the success. But if it’s transcribed? Ya feel me?
Random thought – George Clooney once crapped in a cat box. I swear. Google it.
22. Surfie | November 17th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I wonder what this guy does for a living. If his dad is 73, I’d hope he’s older than 28. That would just be weird.
23. Surfie | November 17th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Wait, never mind. He’d have only been 45 when junior was born. Sorry, it’s still early for me. Bleh.
24. Meagan Lopez | November 17th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Didn’t this guy used to work as a writer in Hollywood before moving back home with his dad?
Either way, we all should just enter the lottery – better chance of winning something there.
You so funny.
25. Candy | November 17th, 2009 at 6:47 am
I think you just like the word “shit.”
26. Jen | November 17th, 2009 at 6:54 am
I just recently posted something along the same lines. The fact that Carrie Prejean got a book deal defies belief. Yes, we need a hook to get ourselves noticed. I may need to start tweeting again!
27. Crystal | November 17th, 2009 at 6:59 am
That is just SO not right!!! Don’t the people in Hollyweird KNOW that there are more talented NORMAL people…wait, Hollyweird likes abnormal…Nevermind…
28. Lottie Lou | November 17th, 2009 at 7:22 am
1. Shit that happens to me when I’m naked.
2. Shit that my other personalities say when they think I’m not listening.
3. Shit that I would do if I were 9″ taller.
4. Chickenshit.
5. Stupidshit.
6. Stupid chickenshit.
29. MommaB | November 17th, 2009 at 7:33 am
good stuff, I tell ya! I think the private jet ought to be rolling up in the front right about…NOW!
30. Patty | November 17th, 2009 at 8:13 am
My late father used to say funny, cranky things that, thinking back on it, were actually good advice.
On the subject of assholes, well, “There’s one for every pair of legs,” comes to mind, as well as “Asshole has a good ring to it,” when it is apparent that there is nothing else to call the anal orifice giving one grief.
Personally, I’d watch the one about the cleaning lady — judicious blackmail is a wonderful dramatic device — and hoist some wine and Benadryl myself.
31. Shauna | November 17th, 2009 at 8:18 am
“Put on some lipstick so you don’t look like an albino corpse.”
I’m gonna need a new keyboard now. One that is NOT marinating in Diet Coke.
Thanks a lot Wendi.
32. mswiggie | November 17th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I think I’m going to say shit at the end of every sentence today just for fun.
33. ann | November 17th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I know. I totally blame my parents for the fact that I cannot cry on command.
Bastards.
34. Tammy | November 17th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Mine would be….
The Shit My Husband Says And Then Later Tells Me It Was All My Imagination So I Go On A Screaming Rampage Until He Gives Me What He Promised
And your “Put on some lipstick so you don’t look like an albino corpse”…you need to patent that phrase right now…you’re gonna see that one on some reality show, like the New Housewives of Atlanta…that’s such a phrase that someone would say! Patent it now!!!!
35. Laura | November 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
What a stupid shit that he got that deal! Lucky bastard. It’s not even his funny, it’s his dad’s.
Mine would be called The Shit I Have to Do Around Here. Sometimes, it may even involve real shit. But hey, that’s what you get when your youngest just potty trained.
36. Sophie | November 17th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Wendi, you forgot the thing you do best:
“Lists of Shit I come up with”
If that won’t take them, then they’re just antisemite shits!
37. rockzee | November 17th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Hilarious. If I had a deal to give, I would cough it up at your feet over this post alone.
Is it bad that the person I relate to most here is Maria?
38. Hannah | November 17th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
If “Shit My OB/GYN Says” doesn’t get a TV deal, then there is something very wrong with the world!
39. gray matter matters | November 17th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
If you really want a TV deal I’m thinking:
“Are you smarter than a shit?”
“Shit or No Shit.”
“Let’s make a Shit”
“The Shit is Right”
“Who wants to be a Shit”
Just spitballin’ here, gimme a minute…
40. jessica | November 17th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
McSweeney’s have you read this shit?
41. Diane | November 17th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Get ready to retire early – but then what will the rest of us do when we don’t have any more of your shit to read? Shit.
42. the mama bird diaries | November 17th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Love this post! Hilarious.
Just goes to show, you may be a year older but you still got it, kid.
43. habanerogal | November 17th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
He’ll probably make a fool of himself with some sort of wardrobe malfunction or either that or his son will be swept away in a jiffy pop popcorn balloon. It won’t be long before George and his people will be beating a path to your door, I can smell it.
44. Cassie | November 17th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
I think that is an excellent list! I hope they all work out for you!
45. Andrea | November 17th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Aw shit, that’s some funny shit. Hey gray matter matters, how about Shit’s Anatomy? Private Shit? Criminal Shit? Who Wants to be a Shit? Dancing with Shit? Ugly Shit? Wheel of Shit? I can go all day…pun definitely intended.
46. Linda Cupp | November 18th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I don’t know if its the drugs, lack of drugs, or the fact that I’m stir crazy after being house-bound post surgery for 2 weeks, but this made me laugh so hard I cried and made my incision hurt. You are freakin’ funny and should definitely have a book deal.
47. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | November 19th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I love this shit list. Please add me to your Twitter shit list when you get them started.
48. Red | November 19th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I would definitely go for this one:”2. Shit that my other personalities say when they think I’m not listening.”
I used to follow Sh#t my Dad says for a bit but he got too acerbic and coarse outside of his usually acerbic demeanor and coarseness.
49. Nap Warden | November 19th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Well good luck being rich and famous…If Shit I Say to my Cat doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.
Wait…I really don’t know what will. Dang, all of the time I wasted Twittering as myself, when I should have been Shit I Say to Myself (because I’m the only one who listens)
50. Invader_Stu | November 20th, 2009 at 6:47 am
As I was reading this I told the guys sitting in my office about the book/TV deal because I know they read Shit My Dad Says. One of them told me that some of what he writes is re-written lines from stand-up comedy acts. I don’t know how true that is but if I get in trouble for making that clam I will be starting my new twitter account: Shit my lawyer says I should not say
51. MommyAmy | November 20th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Not sure I have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, you’ve got some seriously funny readers!!!
Love that shit!
52. Maria Butts | November 21st, 2009 at 8:05 am
Hey dumbass, I don’t mix my Benadryl with wine, I mix it with Mikes Lemonade! That’s why you can’t get an NBC deal..you can’t even get your facts right about your crazy life because of your medication.
53. followthatdog | November 21st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
If your friend Maria is anything like my friend Maria, that twitter account just might be worth starting. Get some wine in that girl and all hell breaks loose.
54. The Mom(aka Amy) | November 23rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
How about shit my cat coughs up? I could air on TLC right after I thought I needed to take a dump, but I was really just pregnant.
55. Amy | November 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
I love you!!! Just found your blog. You are hysterical!
56. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | November 24th, 2009 at 7:07 am
#20 will definitely garner a book deal. I just hope you don’t have to share the proceeds with Maria.
57. Cathy | November 29th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
You are funnier than the Shit My Dad Says dude. Way funnier. WAY funnier.
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