The Dogpile Dodgers

The Balldropping Braves

The Thank-God-We’re-Not-Keeping-Score-Yet Yankees

The Bawling Brewers

The Tantrum Twins

The I-Want-My-Mommy! Mets

The Peepants Pirates

The Snotnose Sox

The Dear-Lord-I-Need-A-Hazmat-Suit-In-This-Frickin-Dugout Diamondbacks

The No Catch Cubs

The No Run Rockies

The Sorry-No-Snacks-Today Tigers

The Come-On-Guys-Let’s-Whack-the-Dugout-Mom-In-the-Kneecap-With-A-Bat-Because-She-Forgot-The-Snacks-Again A’s

The We-Hope-You-Have-Insurance Indians

The But-If-You-Bring-Us-Cheetos-Next-Week-We’ll-Be-Angels Angels

The Thank-God-We-Only-Have-Two-More-Games-To-Go Giants

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OK, full disclosure here. I was working on this piece today, and wasn’t really happy with it, but then I accidentally clicked on “Publish” instead of “Save Draft” and posted it. I would have taken it down right away, but then everyone would have been all, “Hells, what is she doing? Why is she screwing around with us? Is she freebasing Benadryl again? Is the state finally going to intervene? I mean, this is getting ridiculous.” Anyway, now you know why I say “they’re not all gems.”

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pretend I’m launching a mylar balloon with my sons Raptor and Chickenhawk on-board. I think that plan’s gonna work out great.