The Job of Motherhood
September 13th, 2009
For the past seven years, I’ve been a full-time, full-tilt stay-at-home mother. (Where the “stay-at-home” part comes from is something I’ve never understood. I mean, it’s not like we moms are trapped in the house, chained to our ovens all day. It just feels that way.) I never planned on not working after I had kids, but unfortunately I was laid-off from my ad agency job when I was pregnant with my first son. This was due to either the bad economy, or the fact that I kept stealing everybody’s lunches out of the refrigerator and screaming, “I’m eating for two, so back the hell off, people!”
At first I didn’t accept my unemployed fate and immediately tried to find a job at another agency. Obviously, it was a bit of a shock to interviewers when I waddled into the room six-months pregnant with the opening line of “What? You were expecting a virgin?” and so, not surprisingly, everyone I met with said I “just wasn’t the right fit.” Well, of course I wasn’t the right fit; I was a hormonal beached whale with swollen ankles and an ass you could watch a 70mm movie on if I happened to be wearing white pants that day. I mean, I didn’t even fit in my king-size bed, much less a desk chair writing jingles for The Scooter Store.
It was then that my husband Chris and I decided that maybe I should temporarily make our baby my full-time job. Luckily, we could afford it and hey, maybe I’d actually enjoy myself. After all, I could always go back to work once the baby was a little older. Once I had finally mastered motherhood. And how long could that take? A few weeks? A month, tops?
Minutes after Sam was born, I gingerly held him in my arms and stared into his angry old-man face, and fell in love with all my might. Then I put my lips to his tiny, perfect ear and softly whispered to him that nothing in the world would make me happier than staying home with him all day. Absolutely nothing.
And then the meds wore off.
The next few months were a blur of laundry, diaper changes and watching Judge Judy while breastfeeding every two hours. (That show is on a lot.) But like every new mom, I was exhausted, I was overwhelmed, I was frighteningly close to telling Chris that I wanted a divorce just so I could go to the bathroom alone two weekends a month. I mean, I was fine with being a mother and all, but did it have to be all day? Not to mention all damn night?
It seems ridiculous now, but at the time I couldn’t figure out why no one had ever told me motherhood was going to be so hard. None of the women in the Pampers commercials looked like they’d just escaped from spending 10 years in a Thai prison like I did. None of them were standing in the bathroom trying desperately to lull their newborn to sleep with a blow dryer set on “Low.” None of them had breast milk leaking through their shirt, or their backs covered in layers of spit-up, or hair with roots so dark they looked like incompetent coalminers. So what was I doing wrong?
When Sam was almost a year old, salvation finally arrived. Surprisingly, not in the form of a little, brown bottle from Walgreen’s, either. The first big change was that Sam started sleeping through the night. And, after a few weeks of waking up every hour out of habit, so did I. The second change was that I enrolled him in a wonderful Mother’s Day Out program, so he and I could now spend eight hours apart each week. Time enough for me to relax, rejuvenate and realize that I wasn’t doing such a bad job, after all.
A year later, I had another baby, Jack, and this time everything was much easier. During the years that followed, I spent almost all of my time with the boys and actually became pretty good at my full-time motherhood gig. The play dates, the preschools, the playgrounds—I now have it all down cold and my career, such as it is, is going well.
Or, I guess I should say, it was. Because three weeks ago, Jack started kindergarten and Sam started Second Grade, and suddenly, my hours were cut back by seven hours a day. It was almost like getting laid-off all over again.
So what am I going to do with my time now that I have the freedom I dreamed of back in those newborn days? Will I work? Write? Volunteer? Sit on my couch and eat tubs of whipped cream in my underwear while watching Judge Judy until my husband calls the authorities? I don’t really know yet. But I do know that whatever it is, whatever I end up doing all day, I’m going to miss those little boys like crazy.
(This is a slightly different version of my essay “The Job of Motherhood” that appeared in the August ’09 issue of Austin Woman magazine.)
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
62 Comments
Add your own1. Judy Larsen | September 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I love this. That’s all. It’s so true. And sweet. And funny (natch).
I just love this.
2. Nikki | September 13th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Awwww, Wendi. This was lovely. My boys are around the same ages, so I get you.
Still, after a long family-togetherness summer, it’s nice to put them on that shiny, hope-yellow bus and go back inside to bed.
If only perimenopausal women could sleep….
3. sandy | September 13th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I am in exactly this position. Oldest in 2nd, youngest starting K… and a big reduction in hours (well put). My Peanut’s kindergarten is only a half day, but still. Huge change.
People keep asking me what I will DO WITH MYSELF now that I will have ALL THIS FREE TIME.
Honestly? I have no idea. But I have a strong suspicion that these same people have ideas about what the answer should be, and that their ideas don’t necessarily coincide with mine. So I’m going to tell them that I’ve just bought the king of all vibrators to help with the free time problem, and we’ll see how it goes from there.
4. Jen | September 13th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I don’t have kids but can just imagine how difficult it is to have this little thing surgically attached to you 24 hours a day and trying to function on no sleep. Perhaps, because I think about all the minutia that goes into every day of that process I have not had a child. But, it obviously does get better. Keep writing. You do a great job at it.
5. Sarah M | September 13th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
All so true! Each and every bit. You need to write a book..you have a gift with words and a unique sense of humor. Right when all mine would have been in school all day…I took on homeschooling them….now that’s a WHOLE other can of worms.
6. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | September 13th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
That post was sweet and sentimental and made me feel like a horrid hag. I just wrote about how gleeful I was about my kids going back to school. (*note, my regret is not strong enough to take the shine off this event)
When they are kindergarteners, you cry for two weeks leading up to the first day of school. When they are teenagers you pack their backpacks two weeks early and tear pages off the calendar each day with triumphant fist pumps.
7. Shelly | September 13th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
You nailed the early days of stay/chained at home motherhood perfectly. Mine is just starting pre-school and I am thrilled. I hope you find the answer to “what do I do now” by the time mine is full-time in school b/c I’m pretty sure I don’t have a freaking clue. Which is sort of the theme of my life as a mom thus far. Mothering Without a Clue – sounds like the name of a good book, no?
8. Gretchen | September 13th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
First, I must get something out of my system…I MISS MY BOY LIKE CRAZY TOO!!
Sigh…okay, I’m better now.
I suggest that your first order of business is to crank up the music, strip down to your underwear and do a Risky Business dance around the house. Next, you should take a nap in the middle of the morning. Then busy yourself doing something that makes you feel terribly productive, like steam cleaning the entire house, or refinishing the kitchen cabinets. After that? I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to write the book you ought to write.
9. Kirsten | September 13th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I loved this Wendi. I have one more year with my son before he is off to school with his older sisters. I am trying to savor every day with him because I know it’s my last year of having a constant sidekick. I complain quite a bit about having no real freedom, but I love my “job.”
10. jessica | September 13th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
funny how the seven hours feels like one hour, okay maybe it’s just me
11. Invader Stu | September 14th, 2009 at 1:01 am
I saw so much Judge Judy during my in-between college and job time. What is it with that show? In England there is a channel which shows it so much they might as well re-name it The Judge Judy Channel.
12. Mwa | September 14th, 2009 at 2:09 am
Awww, isn’t it amazing how so many of us go through that, and it’s talked about so little?
I hope you find something you like doing.
13. SArah Lindahl | September 14th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Well said! I wish I would have thought of divorcing my husband in order to get some private bathroom time. What a great idea! My youngest is almost ten now and I still don’t get bathroom privacy. She came in the other day when I was going, climbed on my lap and said, “Oh ho ho! Your pee smells like old cheese!”
14. SArah Lindahl | September 14th, 2009 at 4:27 am
I keep forgetting to put my URL!
15. Akilah Sakai | September 14th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Loved it! Right on the SAHM money with this post.
Wait. When I eat tubs of whipped cream, I’m supposed to wear panties? Um …
16. hokgardner | September 14th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Beautiful post.
And if you need something to fill your hours, come on over. I’ve still got years before all of my kids are in school full time.
Sob. Pass the cool whip.
17. christy | September 14th, 2009 at 6:32 am
I loved this post Wendi. And I vote for bon bons on the couch while watching HGTV reruns. That is seriously heaven for me.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!!
18. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | September 14th, 2009 at 6:48 am
I’m on my second year of both kids being in school. It never ceases to amaze me how my time fills up. And I wasted all that time worrying what I would do with myself.
19. Connie | September 14th, 2009 at 8:28 am
“I wanted a divorce just so I could pee in privacy 2 days a week” Funniest. Line. Ever. More so since I thought the EXACT same thing at that time. I have twins who just started Kindergarten and I’m in the same boat. They started 2 weeks ago and at first I felt so obligated to defend myself regarding what I “do with my spare time” that I started writing it down like a time chart at work. Then I moved all the furniture in the house and vacuumed under it and wiped the base boards behind it. I ended up so exhausted I was more crabby than ever!
20. melissaz | September 14th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I was really active in the kid’s schools, and now that they are in 4th and 6th I’ve finally cut back on that and am contemplating working again. But take the time to still enjoy it if you can. It goes by oh-so-fast…
21. MommyGeekology | September 14th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Aww, this is a great essay.
But the question remains: What ARE you going to do with that free time?
22. KRISTY | September 14th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I LOVE HOW HONEST YOU ARE. I KEEP GETTING TOLD I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ALL OF THE ‘HONESTIES’ OF MOTHERHOOD I KEEP TELLING PEOPLE. THE TRUTH IS….YOU CAN BE HONEST AND STILL NICE ABOUT IT. THIS ENTRY IS PERFECT…I LOVE IT!
23. the mama bird diaries | September 14th, 2009 at 10:22 am
oh wendi. Well said. This motherhood thing is roller coaster ride. All you want is a few minutes alone in the bathroom and then suddenly you’re alone, and you can’t remember why you needed all that privacy.
Sigh…
24. Daphne | September 14th, 2009 at 10:26 am
I just landed in the same exact place, though here our full days start in first grade. It’s overwhelming, wonderful, scary, sad, overwhelming and did I say overwhelming? Who am I again?
25. MommyAmy | September 14th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Well…
You could always have another baby.
HA HA HA!!!
26. Laura | September 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
whatever you choose, you should definitely make time to keep writing! Loved it especially the part about the divorce for the quiet 2 weekends a month. There might be something to it!!
27. Luci | September 14th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Brilliant, as usual. Those ‘moms’ in the Pampers commercials used to piss the hell out of me too! Liars! Anyway, I myself now have TWO full days, and finding it all, well, sorta lonely. Can’t imagine when its all week long. I know there’s a balance in there somewhere…
28. Domestic Goddess (in training) | September 14th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
You just fastforwarded my life ahead two years. My Jack is 1 and my Will just started preschool. Soon they both be in school full time and then I have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! If you get any good ideas, let me know.
29. Crystal | September 14th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I work full time, but there were a few years that I didn’t have to and I enjoyed my at home mommy time…unfortunately I HAD to go back to work when my youngest was 18 mos. I feel like I deprived him, but now…I’m glad I work full time, those boogers would drive me even craizer!!! Well said, Wendi.
30. Kate Coveny Hood | September 14th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Since I just became a stay at home mom (for lack of a better term) this summer, I’ve been wondering what I’m going to do in a couple of years when my kids are in school all day… I suspect my husband will have some outlandish notions about me getting a job or something. Guess I better start working on some ideas for careers for people who never again want to step foot into corporate America (no matter how hard they may miss the nice shoes).
31. ann | September 14th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
AND Judge Judy advertisers pay a premium to see her several times a day.
That aside.
Great article. Congrats!
32. Amber | September 14th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
“Not to mention all damn night?” Yeah, I’m right there, in the thick of it, now. And boy oh boy do my “jokes” about wishing Alexa was 12 and wanting nothing to do with me…seem less and less like jokes, ha.
33. MommaB | September 14th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
As I sit in my computer chair, yelling about every 4 seconds, in hopes that my kids really will, “shut up and go to sleep,” I read your post and think that I might really have a chance in life! Might?!
34. rockzee | September 14th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Yeah, motherhood is hard. I got laid off, too, from an advertising job when my second one was two weeks old. Imagine being sleep-deprived and unemployeed at the same time. So rude. Where did you work as a copywriter? Just read about you in Ad Age. Which reminded me to check in as it’s been a while, though I’ve been reading you off and on for some time. Glad to hear you’re busy in the blogosphere and have your days back to yourself.
35. Sophie | September 14th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Wendi, I have so much to say I don’t know where to strat. Maybe I’ll email you when it all relaxes in my head.
36. Shauna | September 15th, 2009 at 4:25 am
You had me at “and then the meds wore off.”
Funny, I think you and I might *be* the same person. So you’ll appreciate when I say, “lay off the beans. They give us gas.”
37. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | September 15th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Laughing my head off! I didn’t go back to my job after the twins were born and also wondered why Judge Judy is on all afternoon. (BTW — I decided she’s hilarious. If she wasn’t a judge she could be a stand-up comic. Or was that the post-partum hormones?)
Aren’t companies afraid to lay off pregnant people? I sat around my job eating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream right from the carton with a look that said, “I dare you.”
38. Fairly Odd Mother | September 15th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I can’t imagine it. I literally cannot imagine it. It must be part freeing, part terrifying. Just lay off the Judge Judy and hope you find something you love to do.
39. Hannah | September 15th, 2009 at 8:58 am
That was a hilarious and touching reflection on motherhood. If you got through taking care of two newborns, then you can do anything! Maybe you could even volunteer at their school.:)
40. Meg | September 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
As someone who wants it very badly but hasn’t gotten it, this is comforting. I can still wish like crazy for it, but maybe should enjoy the time I have before it happens. Thanks.
41. jessica | September 15th, 2009 at 9:57 am
worst paying job i ever had
42. Roshni | September 15th, 2009 at 10:50 am
I just love the raw honesty and humor!! I hope you get to do what you want….just as you have all along!! Congratulations!!
43. Nap Warden | September 15th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Same story here…only replace Judge Judy with Law & Order. Talk about a show that’s on a lot…
44. Claudia | September 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
wow, not only does this ring familiar, it sounds almost exactly like my story….never wanted to stay at home, got knocked up fast (never listen to those friends who insist, “start trying now you never know how long it will take!”) (it take one. time. only), got laid off, got caught up in babystuff, decided it was too overwhelming to reinvent my career at that point yet started a small business (maternity product, seemed like a good idea)….fast forward 4 years and full time preschool…move from NYC to austin…what do i do now? i suspect i’ll be unpacking boxes for awhile, but i’ve finally taken up blogging and might just – gasp – have to get a J. O. B…
45. Tracy Wells | September 15th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Your boys are exactly the same age as mine. Even though I’ve been working outside the home all this time, I’ve found it to be quite a big change to have them both in “big-boy” school now. It seems you no longer get used to things being one way, then all the rules change…
46. s bright | September 15th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Gosh, I look forward to reading your posts! They are like a quickie little sparkler at the end of my long day.
If you’re looking for something to do with your days, give me a call. I’ve got a silent auction that needs a monitor and I promise I won’t out bid you on chiropractic services that land my husband in spine surgery…
47. Angelica | September 16th, 2009 at 2:51 am
I remember when my mother had this auspicious occasion happen to her. She decided to follow us to school and started working at my youngest sister’s elementary school. And she loves it:)
48. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings | September 16th, 2009 at 5:05 am
You’re going to come take my job and then I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom like I want.
Oh. Did I mention you’re going to work my job, but I’m going to keep the money?
Yeah. That’s the catch.
49. madmad | September 16th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Awww…. this is still one of my faves! And, um.. when you figure out what it is you’ll be doing.. couldja let me know? I’m STILL not sure…
50. Mother Of Three | September 16th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Well. As I also found myself in a similar situation someday, I’m now a proud mother of THREE kids
This time (the youngest will also start kindergarden, soon) I’ll vote for another option.
I’m glad to have more time on my own in a few weeks. But I’m also very sad that I’ll never again have such a cute and fragile newborn. It’s exhausting to have kids. And it’s the most wonderful thing in the world. (Please remind me of this daily, ’cause I tend to forget this fact when they’re NOT asleep
51. Mary Ann | September 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
You nailed it again. You remain my hero.
The thing that sucks here is that I had to return to work before my baby went to Kindergarten. I’m still dreaming of the Judge Judy/underwear/ice cream eating days.
52. K | September 17th, 2009 at 10:48 am
As somebody who is currently the size of a whale (and raging hormoans) I’m glad to know it goes smoother with the arrival of number two.
I can totally relate to this. I had it all figured out – and then I became a mom and realized and I really have no idea what I want to do when I grow up, but I think it involves being home when school isn’t in.
53. ms picket to you | September 17th, 2009 at 10:21 pm
i, like you, finally got to this day: my youngest of three started school.
i thought i would cry. i didn’t. i think i was too worried about the science of getting three to where they needed to be.
today, his sniffles and fever kept him home from school. he looked so tiny on the couch all snotty, and it stopped me.
my baby.
54. DM | September 18th, 2009 at 1:30 am
I am all for you writing more.]\]\
I’m trying to type with a small kitten sprawled over my keyboard and my arm. Not working very well. Anyway, loved this post. Helps je get an idea of what my sister is going through!
55. p-huong | September 19th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
I’d spend my time learning how to play the ukulele, basically preparing myself for retirement: I’d have a beach front house, spend my early mornings surfing, and after breakfast, I’d sit on my front porch with a gorgeous view of the ocean, and sing and strum along on my ukulele. Wanna join me?
56. christine | September 20th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
this is the best SAHM entry i’ve read in ages.
my 5 year old just started Kinder, so i’m home with an almost 8 month old…
very different experience…
57. gray matter matters | September 22nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Geeze, pretty damn insightful for a blonde! Let me know when you figure any of it out. I am soooo where you are, except sorely lacking in motivation. So I just mostly spend my time being jealous of everyone else’s “luck” (fine they work like dogs while I twitter, but what-ever).
I think what you’re talking about is pretty common–I read The Ten-Year Nap and it rocked me, in a “what the hell am I doing with my life” kinda way.
Great post.
58. Annje | September 22nd, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Great post! but it seems you have convinced one of the commentors that having two is a breeze-haha–one of the other things no one tells you.
I had a job interview at 8 1/2 months pregnant–ahh that’s fun, then I didn’t even get it; I should sue.
59. Sarah | September 24th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Hey. It’s Me. That one who like so throw the f-bombs around on twitter. For fuck’s sake, Wendi, that was a damn fine essay.
No, seriously. I rushed through every step with my first born. I admired his ability to advance so effortlessly to the next level of life. Crawling, walking, talking, schooling, etc… I loved every minute of it. I waited for each next step. I stayed home with him and mastered the mom thing.
But then I went back to work. And I had more kids. I welcomed more love and chaos into my life. Through the births of #2 and #3 I continued to work part-time. Babies slept under my desk at work. They moved on to sitters at home. Having three kids wore me out and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I’d be a better mom if I worked full-time. The itty bitty amount of extra income would help, too. And I would pull out less hair if I had a daily break from them. (shit, this is turning into it’s own post…so sorry…don’t normally do this)
Anyway, NOW… now I WANT to stay home. I want to quit this job. I want to spend my days with my kids, not just thinking about them. Because how you feel right now? – now that both your boys are in school and you are left with hours to fill – that’s how I feel right now too. The work I do isn’t satisfying at all. And I miss them. Like crazy. So fire me! I’d rather wait 4 or 5 years to miss them when they go off to school, thankyouverymuch.
Oh, and just for fun: FUCK!
60. Jen | September 24th, 2009 at 10:06 am
The other half of momalom here. This is such an excellent post. I’m so glad to have found you through Sarah. My oldest just started kindergarten, and the days that I’m home (I work part time) already are so different. I hope you’re not too tuned in to Judge Judy. There must be some Millionaire re-runs on.
61. charmaine | September 28th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
So THAT’S what I missed.
At 48 with no children I’m reduced to luring over the neighbours boys with popsicles and clever threats to spray them with my garden hose as they squeel, run away then return for more punishment, and popsicles, of course.
62. Susan | August 28th, 2010 at 7:59 pm
… as I sit here eating a tub of whipped cream
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