Back In Black. (And Yellow. And Red. And Green.)
August 23rd, 2009
For my money, there’s no prettier place on earth than Hawaii. We were lucky enough to spend the past two weeks there, resting in the sun and taking in all of the gorgeous scenery. Day after day, we’d relax on the beach and gaze lazily at the tropical paradise surrounding us. The towering mountains, the lush rain forests, the swaying palm trees.
The back tattoos.
After being forced to look at upwards of 5,000 vacationers in various forms of skin-baring swimwear, I am now convinced that my husband Chris and I are the only people on earth who don’t have some sort of body art. This isn’t because we don’t like tattoos. We do. Like them. Ive just never wanted one of my own.
There are a few reasons for this. First, I scream bloody murder whenever I accidentally get Crayola marker on my hand, so I probably wouldn’t do so great with the needle action. Second, unlike marriage, a tattoo is a life-long commitment. How do I know that what I get inked on my body now will still be something I like in 30 years? Our former babysitter, Abby, got her favorite Norwegian band’s name lettered on her skin when she was in college, and had I done the same thing when I was 19, I’d now be the jackass walking around my subdivision with “Wang Chung” on her back. Not so chic, that.
And finally, while I definitely think it’s hip to get a tattoo of a word written in Chinese letters on your body, I don’t actually read Chinese, so how am I to know that my arm doesn’t really say “Serenity,” but instead says, “No MSG!” or “Princess Douchebag” on it? I’d be the laughingstock of Chinatown.
Anyway, while 90% of the tattoos we saw on the beach were really cool, like the buff Hawaiian surfers with their Maori or Polynesian tribal marks, and the women with their subtle flowers and cute, little dolphins, there were a few noticeable exceptions. Most of them being the pasty white vacationers who’d just arrived from the mainland, and couldn’t wait to peel off their Ed Hardy t-shirts and trucker hats and let it all hang loose aloha-style.
One day, we were neighbors with a skinny, goateed guy who had a rather crude, full-sized Confederate flag on his back that looked like it was the work of the chief tat artist in Chino State prison. Most of the time, he stayed passed out on his NASCAR beach towel getting a third degree sunburn, but every once in a while, he’d suddenly spring to life and treat his fellow beach goers to a little show by undulating his back and yelling, “Do y’all see my mother*&in’ flag wavin’? Well do ya, bitches? How cool is that shit? Damn, people!” Then he’d grab his crotch and crash onto his towel again. It was like the island version of “Hee-Haw.”
Another day, there was an older woman in front of us who had a back tattoo of what appeared to be a vampire and a werewolf fighting each other. “Too bad she can’t grow hair on her back,” Chris said as we watched her rub sunscreen on Dracula’s cape. “Cause that’d make the werewolf look much more authentic.”
Then there was the woman who had a tat of her spinal column—-on her spinal column. Our only theory about her was that maybe she has a really stupid chiropractor.
Finally, on our last day of vacation, we saw the mother lode of back tattoos. Seriously, this guy was a load. At least 6’ 5” tall, upwards of 400 pounds and bald as a cue ball. We watched in wonder as he stomped over to his patch of beach, his enormous feet shooting waves of sand at everyone he passed. Once he got to his spot, he grunted, yelled a few obscenities to his kids, and then immediately stripped off his shirt. We tried hard not to stare, but right away we noticed that he had two tattooed words directly above his butt crack. “What’s that say?” I asked Chris.
“Um, I believe it says ‘Exit Only’ with an arrow pointing down to his ass,” he muttered with a strange look on his face. “Please don’t make me look again. My eyes are watering.”
“Okay, fine,” I said. “Only I’m not sure if ‘Exit Only’ is good news or not.”
“Trust me,” Chris whispered back as we watched the hairy man bend over to put down his beach mat, thereby giving us a complete eyeful of his many, many charms. “It’s good news. I know if I had an ass the size of a Costco loading dock, I’d probably get that written on my back, too. I mean, God knows how many times someone’s tried to shove a case of bulk mayonnaise in there. A man’s gotta protect himself.”
“That’s true,” I said, shielding my eyes with my US Magazine while Mr. Exit started doing lunges. “It’s both decorative and practical.”
Now that our vacation’s over and we’re back home in Texas, I haven’t seen even one back tattoo parading around. Strangely enough, I actually kind of miss them. So that’s why I’m thinking that maybe tomorrow, I’ll muster up the courage and go get “MANILOW’ tattooed on my back. After all, I’m sure that’s something I’d never regret.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
55 Comments
Add your own1. Plano Mom | August 23rd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I’m still chuckling. Often thought about getting an Exit Only tat – usually when totally loaded on tequila – thanks for destroying that desire…
2. Mwa | August 23rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Such a funny post. I’m totally jealous you went to Hawaii.
I could never get a tattoo either, because I’ve never liked a piece of clothing for more than five years. Plus, I have the feeling you could never be truly naked again. Maybe that’s why some people like them.
3. Inna | August 23rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
There is a guy at work who has an entire arm tattooed with a sleeve. Just one of his arms is black to look like a black sleeve. The first time I saw it I thought he had a very strange jacket on. I guess his arm will never be cold.
4. Fairly Odd Mother | August 23rd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I’m beginning to think that NOT having a tattoo is a statement in and of itself. It says, “when I get drunk and black out, my subconscious is still fairly smart”.
Plus, my Father in Law has a tat which has ruined it for me, totally.
Love your post. “Exit only” is priceless.
5. hokgardner | August 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
oh my gah I’ve missed you!
And it’s good to know that even in Hawaii people exhibit the same lack of taste and class that they do in S. Padre.
For the record, I got my tattoo while stone-cold sober.
6. Nicole | August 23rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Ahoha back, and thank you so much for the laugh. Been a rough week and 1 1/2 beers didn’t do nearly as much for me as that exit only tattoo description
7. christy | August 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Oh my god totally funny Wendi! How awesome that you spent two weeks in Hawaii! I got a teeny tiny tattoo of a purple daisy on my ankle when I was 18 and I still love it. I was attending a mormon college (and I’m NOT mormon) at the time, and it was like the only thing I could do to rebel legally at that school. ha!
8. knittergran | August 23rd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
whoa!!! I haven’t been to a public beach in a really, really long time. Nice to know – sort of – what I’ve been missing. Ick.
9. p-huong | August 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Yikes! I’m a fan of body art and have three tattoos myself. I put a lot of thought into my ink, one even took me a whole year to come up with. I just don’t understand the people who don’t put any thought into the tattoo. Conversations get so awkward when I ask someone if there was a story or meaning behind any of his/her tattoos and there is none besides, well I got it because I thought it was cute.
10. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | August 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Welcome back. Your guest posters were terrific, but of course, it’s great to have you back.
Exit only, huh? My guess is that nobody is clammoring to get in there. Some sort of warning probably would have been a more appropriate choice, like:
“Powered by beans and beer. Stay back 10 ft” or an orange triangle slow moving vehichle sign.
11. marathonmom | August 23rd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
ROTFL as usual.
Exit only……..bleh!!!
12. Amber | August 23rd, 2009 at 6:03 pm
HAHA…I’ve got a few…even a chinese character on my finger (though I have a TON of chinese friends so I guess it makes sense for me, lol).
My friend got a different character tattooed the same day as me. They guy must have messed it up, because it was SUPPOSED to mean her star sign (i dunno, sagatarious…maybe). Anyway, it ended up meaning slut (or the same thing different word)!!!
13. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | August 23rd, 2009 at 6:40 pm
I am actually crying over the Exit Only. I would have been compelled to ask him if that was his idea or his tattoo artists. And then if it was his I might have wanted to invite him to dinner because maybe there was a very interesting person trapped in there?
Welcome back!
One thing confuses me: you had a “relaxing” vacation with kids? I need new kids.
14. Annje | August 23rd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I was wondering where my case of mayo was… just kidding–I just grossed myself out. Hawaii sounds great, I’ve been stuck here for months in this 100+ heat.
I don’t have any tats either–some day we’ll be the new cool.
15. Sarah M | August 23rd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
The tears are running down my cheeks ….the ones on my face ….I am dying here! had to read it out loud to hubby.
16. Kirsten | August 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
That was hilarious. I almost got my boyfriends name tattooed on my back in college. Thank God I chickened out because I broke up with him a couple of months later.
Personally, I am not a fan of tattoos at all. I can’t understand America’s obsession with body ink.
17. Tracy Hahn-Burkett | August 23rd, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Oh my God, so hilarious! I, too, just read this post out loud to my husband, but I had a tough time because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t spit the words out!
And I am jealous both about Hawaii and about the “relaxing” vacation with kids.
18. Jane | August 23rd, 2009 at 9:07 pm
You can go to Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels and see the same. It is an education for the kids.
19. Laurie | August 23rd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Tony Danza has had to live with his “keep on truckin’” tattoo since the 70s. I did see a guy who had a tattoo on his chest that looked exactly like those name tags/stickers we all have to wear at conferences. It was right about where name tags go and it said “Hi, my name is Mike.” I laughed out loud right in front of him. THAT one was great.
20. miss. chief | August 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 pm
nothing wrong with a joke tattoo, in my opinion
21. kcjimj | August 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Welcome Back! We used to take an AA meeting to the state prison. One of the boys in there was called Spider Man because, you guessed it, he had a big jail house tattoo of a spider web on his cheeks and forehead. We always wondered how much of a good thing that would be say for a job interview. But Spidey was not having any job interviews for another 5-8 years so it probably does not matter anyway.
22. DM | August 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I have three tattoos and I love them. I would rethink the one on my right shoulder, mainly because I have realized that red is not a color that does well on my skin (fades). I would suggest that if you do ever decide to get a tattoo, it is important to make sure your tattoo artist can spell. I did not. So my homage to Austin Powers (Groovy, yeah baby) turned out to be Grooey, yeah babby. Oh, well, it makes for an interesting story.
23. Jen | August 24th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I love Hawaii. When we were in the Bahamas I too saw way too many tattoos for comfort’s sake.
24. Ivan Toblog | August 24th, 2009 at 9:19 am
I am laughing so hard that I don’t think my pants will ever dry.
25. Carolyn Online | August 24th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Ahhh two weeks in Hawaii. What a shame…
That guy with the Nascar towel and rebel flag? Um, he’s my brother-in-law.
26. Hannah | August 24th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I’ve often wondered about non-Asian people who get Japanese or Chinese characters tattooed on them. Seems risky to get a foreign language permanently etched into your flesh and yeah those characters are really easy to mess up!
Ah well, whatever floats your boat I suppose!
27. Sophie | August 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Every time I see a girl with a tatoo across her lower back, I think:
“Oh-oh! SOMEBODY’s going to experience no-epidural childbirth! MWAHAHAHAHAHA”.
Yes, I’m evil that way.
28. Maxly | August 24th, 2009 at 11:45 am
LMAO.
‘Both decorative and practical’
L’ingMAO again just typing it!
Thanks
29. Akilah Sakai | August 24th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Chris is freakin’ hilarious!
I got a rose (something simple I know I won’t ever hate) to cover a hideous birthmark.
30. vodkamom | August 24th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
holy shit that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD.
31. Life at the Funny Farm | August 25th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Oh dear God.
I have a tattoo of a dragon on my right shoulder blade and have never regretted it. But “Exit Only” ??? That is completely nauseating on every level. Considering your description of him, I can’t see anyone (gay or straight) being interested in that! Sounds like a fun vacation otherwise. And I vote NO on the Manilow tattoo.
32. jessica | August 25th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
i feel the same way. i regret what I had for dinner the night before, never mind a tattoo of the anniversary of my wedding date
33. the mama bird diaries | August 25th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
There must be one or two confederate flag tattoos in Texas.. right? Or maybe some of GW or Ann Richards?
Sounds like a very romantic vacation.
34. amy2boys | August 25th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
This was the last post I was planning to read before going to bed. Now I’ll have nightmares.
35. Emily Ward | August 26th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Really, how bad could “Princess Douchebag” be?
36. Domestic Goddess (in training) | August 26th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Hilarious. Stay away from the tats. I got one on a drunken night in New Orleans and I’ve spent every day since trying wish it away.
37. Jasmine | August 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Take me next time…PLEASE!
38. Roshni | August 26th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
‘A tattoo unlike marriage is permanent’… won’t forget that one!!
39. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings | August 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
If all the same people who live next to me are in Hawaii then why should I go?
seriously hilarious post!
40. ann | August 27th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Welcome back, and Great Post. Instead of a tattoo, you can always walk around wearing our new “Born To…Blog” t-shirts.
41. Cathy | August 27th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Oh, Wendi. You absolutely crack me up. Only you could come away from a Hawaii vacation with a report on back tatoos. Thank you so much for the morning chuckle.
42. Cooper Green | August 27th, 2009 at 9:03 am
‘Exit Only’ is pretty funny, but it’s basically a bumper sticker. The guy who’s going to get wealthy (not me, but I’ll take credit for the idea when somebody else does it) is the guy who finds a way to put tattoos on removable bits of stuff that look permanent but can be peeled off at will. Remorse-free tats. Rumper stickers, as it were.
43. MommaB | August 27th, 2009 at 11:49 am
You know, I have two tattoos, both with a similar idea, but different meanings. One is a four leaf clover, placed entirely too close to my girl pieces, not THAT close, but close enough that no one ever gets to see it. It is for luck and because I have a really keen eye for finding them. Yep, I know it does not make a shits bit of difference that I can find them, but much like your sitter, I got it when I was 18. I don’t really regret it, other than the sea of stretch marks that it is lost in and the fact that I used to like it, but no one ever got to see it, therefore negating the point. The other is 3 three leaf clovers and it is on my left arm. It is in memory of my niece, whose birthday was St. Patrick’s Day. She died when she was 3 months old. You get the picture. I also want one in memory of my mom. We will have to see about that one. I wanted a dragonfly and butterfly flying together, to symbolize our relationship, but not if it will make me look like the crazy with the drac and wolfy when I get old!!!
Have a great day!
44. Nikki | August 27th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
HA! This was perfect. But you’re not alone. I can’t even find a piece of art I want hanging on my wall for the rest of my life! Where in the world would I find a tattoo that I liked that much?
On my last beach holiday, I saw a man with a tattoo of a naked dancer on his arm. He had a largish, triangular,very hairy mole that the tattoo artist had, um, incorporated into the design. You can guess where.
Very disturbing.
45. Beth | August 27th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
My sister has gotten a few tattoos because she doesn’t want to be confused with someone else when she dies. Not that I know many people who are 5 feet tall and 80 pounds. There can’t be that many freakishly small people.
46. Bonnie Childress | August 27th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Oh my hell, you have got to be kidding, Especially on the crothch grabber and the exit guy!
Funny enough I saw a back tattoo today at the dentists office. Outside the window there was a guy wearing a green kilt and big coiled snake earings, and nothing else but his tattoo! It looked like a celtic knot or something, covering the small of his back. I didn’t want him to see me stareing so I am not sure.
I think the idea not to get a chinese tattoo is really good! You never know what it would really say.
47. lancelonie | August 27th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Hahaha! Funny. Thanks for sharing. It made my night.
48. Gretchen | August 27th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I’ve been on “vacation” with my inlaws on Long Island, and I was somehow conned by my six year old to spend a day at the water park TWICE, so I’ve seen a lot of scantily clad New Yorkers of late. And I was blown away by how many people have large tattoos of their dead relatives on their backs. I mean, an amazing number of people. Grandma Rosalie and Mi Madre Guadalupe all over their backs. I mean, I love my now dead parents as much as anybody possibly could, but the idea of tattooing huge portraits of them between my shoulders is just too much. Manilow maybe…
49. MommaB | August 28th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Hey, I subscribed to your feed, which is great, because it came right to my email, but I clicked back to your site, so I could comment and last night’s post is not showing up! HELP! Honestly though, I don’t know if I am becoming techno-challenged, or if there is really something strange afoot!? Thanks!
50. Margaret (Nanny Goats) | August 29th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
ick.
And I thought I was the only one out there without tattoos. I must have just missed the generational peer pressure, being old and all.
Plus…I have this uncanny ability to think ahead.
51. Mother Of Three | August 29th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Gulp. Just remind me not to bare my back should I someday come to Hawaii. Don’t wanna be one of THEM!
And I just got this cute little lizard who’s been living on my shoulderblade for the last 15y now. Don’t want it to be scared
Anyway. Who would be so mad to mistake this terrible hairy ass with an entrance of any kind? I, for sure, wouldn’t dare to near myself…
Thanks for making me laughing!
52. phd in yogurtry | August 30th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Tats larger than a quarter? Not so fond of. Tats all over the arms and legs and neck? Disturbing. Just seems like a big ole case of regret waiting to rain down once the muscle mass starts to deteriorate and the skin starts to lose it’s glow. As if middle age isn’t traumatic enough.
Tats aside, sounds like a wunnnnnderful vacation!! Dang, I could use a little (or a lot) of Hawaii beach hangin right about now.
53. My Favorite Funny Mom Blo&hellip | August 31st, 2009 at 9:25 am
[...] Wendi Aarons makes me laugh out loud every time, but especially with this ode to back tats. And reminds me why I have no ink. [...]
54. DeNae | August 31st, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Dropped by from Lela’s place. Loved this post, particularly the Costco loading dock guy. Of course now I’m afraid to go to Hawaii, but maybe I’ll get lucky and go blind first.
I live in Las Vegas, where Barry Manilow has evidently gone to die. Slowly. Painfully. While dancing with 60 year old women who still haven’t figured out he’s fifteen shades of gay. I’d be happy to send you an 8×10 glossy to inspire your tattooist.
55. Elisa | September 1st, 2009 at 2:45 am
Horrifying and hilarious at once
I’ve often thought about getting a tattoo, but since I’m notoriously fickle with my clothing and accessories, I’m pretty sure I’d get bored with it fairly quickly. Plus tattoos are kind of lame unless they mean something. I guess I’m not a meaningful person, because I can’t think of anything I’d want immortalized on my skin for ever.
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Trackback this post | Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed