Are you there Wanda? It’s me, Wendi.
July 6th, 2009
At the end of this month, I’m going to a big blogging convention called BlogHer in Chicago. I thought I would spend the majority of my time at this event drunk dancing on the dais and telling everyone that my name is “Arianna Huffington, don’t forget it, bitch,” but it appears that the game has changed because I’ve been chosen to read one of my posts out loud. To a roomful of people. Without throwing up, freaking out or peeing in my pants. Yikes.
But while it’s a great honor, to be sure, here’s the problem—I don’t sound like anything like this woman:
See, when I wrote this particular piece, the voice in my head was Wanda Sykes’—sassy, sharp and funny. But in real life, my voice is more soft, plain and boring. Sort of like a Sunday School teacher after she’s freebased a few tabs of Valium and a kettle of chamomile tea, then spent the evening listening to New Age music with a lavender pillow over her face. Meaning, I’m not sure I can give the words the punch they so desperately need.
At first I thought the solution would be to hire an acting coach, take a few classes, then get up on stage and be all Method-y and shit. You know, like Eddie Murphy in those big-people-farting movies. (Flatuence + Latex = Laugh Riot.) I soon put the kibosh on that idea, though. I mean, not only did it seem like a lot of work, but once I became an actor, I’d probably have to start hanging out at Les Deux with the Lohans and honestly, who has time to develop a nasty drug habit and have throwdowns with their DJ girlfriend when America’s Got Talent is on eight times a week? Not me, sister.
Next I tried the obvious approach and started reading my piece over and over again while looking into the mirror. That worked up until about line number two, when I got so distracted by my split ends, I had to immediately stop and go put in a 911 hair emergency call to my stylist, Mr. Jimmy (code word: “Kate Gosselin”).
But now my friend Hokgarder (aka Heather) tells me that Wanda is doing a show right here in Austin this week. I know—how perfect is that? After all, if I get her to read my post while I professionally videotape her with my son’s Fisher-Price camcorder, my problem’s solved. No pants-peeing at BlogHer for this loser! Yay! So as of today, I have two tickets to the show, a babysitter on standby, and an amazingly flimsy master plan involving a stolen bellhop’s uniform, an unmarked white van and a hilarious case of mistaken identity.
I think it’s going to work out great.
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32 Comments
Add your own1. Fairly Odd Mother | July 6th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Aren’t you guys speaking at the end? If so, you have plenty of time to dance on the dais and take on a different persona. Although, don’t try any of that Ariana crap on me; I’ve seen you before.
Right before you go up to speak, do a shot. And, maybe you find a Wanda Sykes wig to wear—your very own confidence wig may get you into character.
2. hokgardner | July 6th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Oh how I wish my husband weren’t going to be out of town. I’d so be there for the bellhop uniform and white van escapade.
3. peajaye | July 6th, 2009 at 7:34 am
i’ve heard that wanda likes her some blonde girl-butt, so you might wanna keep that in mind as you’re trying to persuade her. just a suggestion…
4. Red | July 6th, 2009 at 7:38 am
“Sort of like a Sunday School teacher after she’s freebased a few tabs of Valium and a kettle of chamomile tea, then spent the evening listening to New Age music with a lavender pillow over her face.”
I can appreciate that. Completely. Better than coming across like Dennis Hopper after freebasing “oxygen” in Blue Velvet.
5. Lisa (Jonnysmommy) | July 6th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Purrrfect! I say you can do it! Meeting Wanda and video taping her…AND reading your post at BlogHer. You go, girlfriend! (Yeah, I did just say that).
6. Lulu and Moxley's Mom | July 6th, 2009 at 10:07 am
When is your reading? You can practice your Wanda Sykes impersonation on me before you go on if you wish. I loved her on Larry David.
7. madmad | July 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Are you kidding me?! She’d be PSYCHED to read your stuff! Definitely – ask her!
8. Kirsten | July 6th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Perfect. You are brilliant.
I’m looking forward to BlogHer and meeting Wanda.
9. the mama bird diaries | July 6th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
You are going to be fabulous. And we’ll all be drunk. It’s going to work out perfectly.
10. geekmommy | July 7th, 2009 at 12:33 am
You’ll rock it – trust me. The best part of BlogHer is the community keynote and the fact that you’re in a room full of women who would much rather her Wanda read their stuff instead of standing up there reading it? Gives you a warm, receptive, ready to cheer for you before you even breathe into the mic audience!
Look forward to hearing you there!!
~GeekMommy
11. Hannah | July 7th, 2009 at 6:09 am
That Blogher convention sounds really good, but it costs WAY too much cash to attend! I balked when I looked at ticket prices.
12. Cat | July 7th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Unlikely though it may be, if that plan somehow manages to fall through, I have two words for you: malt liquor.
It will work, guaranteed.
13. wendy roberts | July 7th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Can’t wait to hear how this turns out LOL
14. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | July 7th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Deadpan delivery is a skill.
(Just ask Ben Stein.)
You will rock the house.
15. GH | July 7th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Oh Jesus! You crack me up! I want to see footage of whatever goes down!
And also, what post are you reading?
GH
http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/
16. jessica | July 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
I have a plan B for you. I’ll tell you later
17. ann | July 7th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Maybe Rosie Perez is available.
18. Cathy | July 8th, 2009 at 5:39 am
Good luck?! Anything involving a stolen bellhop’s uniform and an unmarked white van has “great blogging potential” written all over it. Keep us posted.
19. Heather, Queen of Shake Shake | July 8th, 2009 at 7:15 am
BlogHer and a Wanda show?
My head just exploded.
20. Steph | July 8th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Just be sure to pause for laughter at all the funniest parts. And if nobody laughs, just keep waiting. That ALWAYS works.
21. StephanieG | July 8th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I SO wish I could join Blogher this year! If nothing else, just to see you make it through this!! Best wishes, and have a total blast!
22. Ella | July 8th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
You are funny. On paper or in person. It will be a success–no worries!
23. Akilah Sakai | July 8th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Bah! You’ll do fine, Wendi. I’m sure of it. Don’t ask me how I’m so damn sure, I just am.
24. Sans Pantaloons | July 8th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I so love you.
They will too.
25. Sans Pantaloons | July 8th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
A small token of worship.
26. Stuart | July 9th, 2009 at 2:58 am
I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only one who has someone else’s voice in their head as they write. It makes me feel a little more sane….
However, I do use a few different voices at different times so maybe I have the split personality version of bloggers internal voice.
Mine are usually: Simone Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Dave Gorman or any other comedian I happen to have seen with in the last 48 hours.
27. Jen | July 9th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Just found your blog and it’s great. My voice is similar in nature and I would be doing more than peeing in my pants if I had to get up in front of a bunch of people and read one of my posts. Good luck and I will be back!
28. Erin | July 9th, 2009 at 6:58 am
You’re going to do great! Your writing stands on its own hilarity, seriously, you could get up on stage in one of those camo nets that make you look like a pile of leaves and read from there and people would still laugh! Have fun!
29. Holly - The Work at Home Woman | July 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Congrats on the speaking engagement at BlogHer! I would be scared to speak in front of all those women too! Even at my own wedding I was so freaked out to be speaking in front of everyone that I swayed back in forth the entire ceremony. Boy, did I look silly when I watched the video!
30. JAnderson | July 10th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I’ll be there for you like LaToya Jackson was there for Paris. When you start crying I’ll just tilt the microphone closer to you and say, “speak up, honey”.
31. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom | July 10th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
I must admit, I am a little jealous of everyone that is going to blogher. Not so much because they are going, but because they are getting reams of material out of the angst that it is causing them. No doubt about it, if I had to do what you have to do, I would crap myself seven times and would end up waddling on stage wearing an overflowing adult diaper. HOWEVER . . .
If the blog post that you are reading is even one tenth as funny as what I just read above, James Brown could mumble it between dance moves and it would KILL. And if at any point you feel yourself losing the audience, make like Ashley Simpson caught in a lipsynch debacle and do a little hoe-down.
That’s what I do in all crisis moments in my life. I ask myself W.W.A.S.D.
32. Bonnie Childress | July 15th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
You will be awesome and I am sad I will miss it! I don’t think you could do a bad job because you rock!
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