It’s The Swimsuit Buying Guide!
June 23rd, 2009
1. First, what kind of suit are you looking for?
a) One-piece
b) Two-piece
c) As many damn pieces as I can possibly cram on and still be buoyant.
2. Which style of swimsuit do you like best?
a) Bikini
b) Tankini
c) 1920’s head-to-toe bathing costume made out of wool-ini
3. What shape best describes your body?
a) A Pear
b) An Apple
c) A value-sized mixed fruit tray from Costco
4. Would you say your bust is:
a) Large
b) Small
c) Something resembling a couple of lazy-ass sock puppets on holiday
5. Your lower body can best be described as:
a) Slim and boyish
b) Curvy and rounded
c) Damn, guuurrllll, you sure got you a Badonka Donka Donk.
6. What type of swimwear coverage do you prefer?
a) A Little
b) A Lot
c) A Hyberbolic Chamber
7. Do you need tummy control?
a) Does Laverne need Shirley?
8. When trying on swimsuits, do you prefer a dressing room with:
a) A full-length mirror and bright, fluorescent lighting
b) A small, cracked mirror and flickering, feeble candlelight
c) A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial
9. Which activity do you plan on doing most often in your swimwear?
a) Swimming
b) Laying out
c) Slamming six-packs of wine coolers and thinking evil thoughts about the 21 year-old in a tiny bikini who’s lying right next to me and just so totally flaunting it, the nasty, little wench
10. Finally, how much would you like to pay for your new swimsuit?
a) $30.00
b) $50.00
c) If it makes me look like a size-4, I’ll give you my Volvo, my 401K and my wedding ring, no questions asked.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
19 Comments
Add your own1. amy2boys | June 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Sheer effing genius. I feel like this and I am a size 2. (But a 42 yr old woman size 2 is TRUST ME SO NOT a 22 yr old woman size 2.)
2. Lisa Rae @ smacksy | June 23rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I have finally become the woman I have always wanted to be. (The lady in the skirted one-piece who “swims” with her head thrust awkwardly above the water-line so as not to mess up her hair-do.)
Next stop, cafeteria lady.
3. jessica Bern | June 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
yeah, what is with the freakin lights in these places. Do they want to sell the stuff or not?
4. mother-in-law-chronicles | June 23rd, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Lazy ass sock puppets – hahahahahaha
5. Annje | June 23rd, 2009 at 6:58 pm
So, if I answer “c” on all of them what kind of suit should I buy?
6. the mama bird diaries | June 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I loathe bathingsuit season.
7. Hannah | June 24th, 2009 at 6:33 am
“A bottle of Jack, a box of Kleenex and Jenny Craig on speed-dial”!
LOL. These items should be available at all bathing suit stores!
8. Akilah Sakai | June 24th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I totally agree with Hannah!
I went to Vegas last week and left all my swimsuits home. No pool for me. Ha!
9. Red | June 24th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I haven’t worn any spandex or lycra in years and I have to say I’m a happier person for it.
10. DragonTrollQueen | June 24th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Wow! What memories you evoke….
I remember those days…I didn’t much care for laying on the beach, enjoying the sun… and having Greenpeace jumpiung on my back, trying to roll me back in the water screaming, “Don’t give up! Live damn you- LIVE!”
*Sigh…black isn’t a good color for swimwear, trust me…
Thanks for the giggles!
11. phd in yogurtry | June 28th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Wool-ini! Badonka donk! You’ve got me roaring.
12. gray matter matters | June 29th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I haven’t been pregnant in a decade, but it doesn’t stop me from wearing the suit. It’s very liberating to wear an empire waisted, skirty, one-piece–and no need to suck in my gut! A win, win.
13. Shannon | July 1st, 2009 at 7:50 am
Love your blog! I followed the link from Cake Wrecks and am hooked. This post made me laugh out loud at work. Oops.
14. Heidi Lentz | July 1st, 2009 at 8:07 pm
That is AWESOME!!
15. Sarah M | July 9th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
My daughter and I just read this and have tears we are laughing so hard. This is the funniest blog I have read since I discovered Cake Wrecks!
16. Laffin' So Much | November 13th, 2010 at 8:56 am
Lazy ass sock puppets.
My girlfriend upon finding out I was a 29b asked do they even make those? Only for special order, custom built. She looked at me with horror. She is the owner of a proud prow, in nautical terms, and knows that the “Custom Professional Bra Specialist in the mall is not who you go to for that one.
Well, at least you will not suffer the rigors of gravity. she said. I think she was trying to be kindly and sympathetic.
I took a gulp of my drink, and looked her in the eye. “Think of two fried eggs, stapled to a wall. It ain’t pretty. Eventually, gravity gets everyone.”
The look of shock and horror on her face was immediate. She had always thought that the light built gals would have no issues. She told me that she got the shudders and the giggles every time she though of how I described it to her.
17. deborah l quinn | June 5th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
My dad said to me once that my butt looked like two cats fighting in a sack. And then he wondered why I ended up in therapy. You also forgot tube-sock boob, which is what happens when the chestal region plunges southward, post nursing… I like boy short type bottoms, b/c then I don’t have to worry about the ol’ bikini line, as they call it. And I’m currently wresting with two kinds of vanity: the vanity that says dear sweet jeezuz don’t wear a two-piece b/c your tummy is like a tub of old jello; and the who-gives-a-shit-I’m-almost-fifty desire to have a TANNED bowl of old jello.
18. Joanne R | September 9th, 2011 at 6:35 pm
Lazy ass sock puppets brought back a memory. A woman I worked with was approaching her 60th birthday and as we discussed the effects of gravity, she remarked that she used to be a 36C but now she’s a 36 Long. I laughed so hard I had my first experience with bladder leakage (while sober)!
19. Dana L | April 8th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
Apparently this rant is timeless, because here I am in 2012, wishing you were my coffee shop buddy. Freakin’ hilarious, I must say. It’s like some secret club – those of us that need something to swim in, but wondering who the hell invented swim suits…
Thanks for sharing.
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