Why I Shouldn’t Have Sat Next To That Guy With the Giant Bag of Chips At the Movie “State of Play” Last Night
April 23rd, 2009
Congressman Ben Affleck: Listen, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe, I’m going to tell you who’s behind this conspiracy you’ve been investigating for two whole hours. You’ll never believe it, but it’s, it’s CRUUU-NNNNCHHH. Does that shock you?
Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, it does shock me, Congressman Ben Affleck. But did you know that your wife Robin Wright Penn and I have been CRUUUU-NNNCHHHH for years now?
Congressman Ben Affleck: So that’s why I’ll never be able to CRUUUU-NNNCHHHH with my pants on again. Now I finally know.
Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, and now I will tell you who’s behind the murder of your assistant. It was CRUUUU-NNNCHHHHH.
Congressman Ben Affleck: Oh, my God. It was CRUUUU-NNNNCHHHH?
Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, and he was working alongside CRINNN-KKKLLLLE.
Congressman Ben Affleck: But tell me, was the evil shadow organization COUGHING FIT COUGHING FIT COUGHING FIT SLUUUU-RRRP involved as well?
Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Nobody knows, but I will now tell you the one thing that will make this entire movie make sense–last night, CRUUUUNCHHH CRUUUUKKLLEE murdered SLUUUUU-RRRRPPP RATTLING ICE CUBES SLUUUU-RRRRPPP and that’s why we now have to WHEEEEEZZZEE for the rest of our lives.
Congressman Ben Affleck: That’s incredible, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe. I just have one final thing to say to you that will make you feel better about paying $8.50 to see this effin’ turkey: Never, ever, ever put your trust in CRUUU-NNNNNCHHHH MUFFLED BELCH WHEEZZZEEE again or someone will have to die. Good-bye, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe.
Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: So long, Congressman Ben Affleck. Hasta la CRUUU-NNNNCHHH.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
19 Comments
Add your own1. noreply@blogger.com (sandy shoes) | April 23rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
People with loud food wrappers in movie theaters piss me off so much that I’m surprised I haven’t actually assaulted anyone in all my movie-going days.
Maybe when I’m old and grey I’ll be able to get away with whacking them with a handbag. Something to look forward to.
2. noreply@blogger.com (Novel) | April 23rd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Why do movie theatres even SELL this stuff?! I am going to become rich and famous by opening a line of movie theatres that only sells SOFT foodstuffs like jelly bears and marshmallows and NO fizzy drinks. Everything will be sold in fluffy clouds that make no crinkly noises. Cell phones will be hammered flat on entry and “talkers” will be Duct Taped at the first sign of inappropriate communication.
3. noreply@blogger.com (MadMad) | April 23rd, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Dude! Like I said! Murder, She Wrote! Crunchy potato chips don’t even affect the plot because it never changes!
4. noreply@blogger.com (Crap That Bugs Me) | April 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Why would you see a movie where Ben Affleck doesn’t take his shirt off? It’s your own fault you know.
5. noreply@blogger.com (Belle) | April 24th, 2009 at 1:50 am
That’s why I wait till it comes out on video.
6. noreply@blogger.com (CSY) | April 24th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Now, see – I didn’t wasn’t gonna see this movie – but you’ve peaked my interest…
I’m with Belle, I’ll wait till it comes out on video or On Demand. Of course, I’ll have to make sure Hubby doesn’t have any chips when we watch it.
7. noreply@blogger.com (Domestic Goddess (In Training)) | April 24th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I think I’ve seen that movie before!!!
8. noreply@blogger.com (Cat) | April 24th, 2009 at 8:20 am
oh god, now i’m craving sun chips. you whore.
9. noreply@blogger.com (Lela) | April 24th, 2009 at 8:55 am
This is exactly why I consume 100% of my Raisinettes and Sour Patch Kids during the previews.
10. noreply@blogger.com (Ann's Rants) | April 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I can never hear anything when eating cereal either, even inside my own head
Sigh…
11. noreply@blogger.com (Gray Matter) | April 24th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
The fantasy goes something like this: you get up and get a bag of twizzlers, march up to him, grab the bag of chips from his hand, thrust the silent, but delicious tubes o’sugar into his chip dusted hands and walk back to your seat.
The whole audience applauds you and the manager gives you free movies for life.
12. noreply@blogger.com (Lisa (Jonny's Mommy)) | April 25th, 2009 at 7:51 am
That post was CRUUUU-NNNCHHHH !
13. noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) | April 25th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I feel your pain. My mother in law collects clocks…loud noisy chiming clocks. So it is a given that if you are watching something at the inlaws house, you will get to “And the murderer is…BONG BONG TING TING CUKOO CUKOO BONG BONG” etc.
May I suggest catching up on what you missed at http://www.themoviespoiler.com ?
14. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries) | April 25th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Man, that’s a lot of annoying chips.
My mom once brought in chinese food into the movie theater. Very smelly but very quiet.
15. noreply@blogger.com (peajaye) | April 27th, 2009 at 9:48 am
maybe you should just be grateful that his noises distracted you from the 6 month old infant screaming just 2 rows away. (my favorite child-in-a-movie-theatre incident involved “Basic Instinct” and parents who brought their 4 children – all under the age of 5. and why not? what could be better family entertainment than Sharon Stone’s cha-cha and violent knife killings?)
16. noreply@blogger.com (Orion) | April 27th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
WHOA!! That was the best movie i’ve ever read. I felt like i was really there in the theater, only.. you didn’t make mention of that kid that’s a little too young to be watching. you know, the kid that has his size 8 sneakers in the small of my back as i’m trying to focus on the movie but my spleen is about to rupture..
never mind, i’ll get over it someday.
17. noreply@blogger.com (bernthis) | April 27th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
now do me a favor and go see that Montana movie and cliff note that for me so I can cliff note it for Phoebe and save myself a day of horror
18. noreply@blogger.com (Lady Weasel) | April 28th, 2009 at 3:01 am
This is what I wish they would say at the beginning of the movies:
“Please, turn off your cell phones, take your screaming brat out and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU CHEW!”
19. Coco | May 27th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Thanks for the laughs. I enjoyed it.
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