Congressman Ben Affleck: Listen, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe, I’m going to tell you who’s behind this conspiracy you’ve been investigating for two whole hours. You’ll never believe it, but it’s, it’s CRUUU-NNNNCHHH. Does that shock you?

Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, it does shock me, Congressman Ben Affleck. But did you know that your wife Robin Wright Penn and I have been CRUUUU-NNNCHHHH for years now?

Congressman Ben Affleck: So that’s why I’ll never be able to CRUUUU-NNNCHHHH with my pants on again. Now I finally know.

Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, and now I will tell you who’s behind the murder of your assistant. It was CRUUUU-NNNCHHHHH.

Congressman Ben Affleck: Oh, my God. It was CRUUUU-NNNNCHHHH?

Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Yes, and he was working alongside CRINNN-KKKLLLLE.

Congressman Ben Affleck: But tell me, was the evil shadow organization COUGHING FIT COUGHING FIT COUGHING FIT SLUUUU-RRRP involved as well?

Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: Nobody knows, but I will now tell you the one thing that will make this entire movie make sense–last night, CRUUUUNCHHH CRUUUUKKLLEE murdered SLUUUUU-RRRRPPP RATTLING ICE CUBES SLUUUU-RRRRPPP and that’s why we now have to WHEEEEEZZZEE for the rest of our lives.

Congressman Ben Affleck: That’s incredible, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe. I just have one final thing to say to you that will make you feel better about paying $8.50 to see this effin’ turkey: Never, ever, ever put your trust in CRUUU-NNNNNCHHHH MUFFLED BELCH WHEEZZZEEE again or someone will have to die. Good-bye, Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe.

Chubby Reporter Russell Crowe: So long, Congressman Ben Affleck. Hasta la CRUUU-NNNNCHHH.

Wendi Aarons