“Sorry lady, we have to scan the drivers licenses and keep them on file.”

“Whoa, there big guy. In your twenties, show your ID. Inane, but I understand that. But now you are keeping my information? On file? Who has access to it?”

“It is all very safe. It is only staff that can access it.” My mind whirls at the various people I have met working clubs bars and lounges. I shudder at the thought. Images of strung out cocaine dealing waitresses and their ratty boyfriend knowing my address, and that I am not home at that very moment make my eyebrows involuntarily lift my glasses.

“Besides, then we can give all this information to the police if we have another stabbing, or riot.”

“Another stabbing? How many weapons of fences have happened here, big guy?”

He started to look a little uncomfortable. “Not many,” he mumbled. “mostly it is fist fights.”

I laugh hysterically as walk out to go to a different club.

Side note: I was not terribly surprised when the establishment was cited for personal information violations. Really, ya think?

The thing is, I myself, also live in Austin…although I am 21, I have even noticed the bouncers here are weird. On my 21st birthday I tried to get into Shakespeares.

Earlier that day I had bought a new top, spent a while curling my short blonde hair and gotten my makeup done at Mac. Mac, the holy everything of makeup. Not to mention I had to drive 3+ hours to get to Austin.

So I walk up to the door and the bouncer, who I did not do anything to or say anything to, did not let me in. After 10mins of thinking up a plan to get in and another 10 finding the back door to the place, which was apparently heavily guarded, I realized I was too drunk.

Nevertheless, it was my 21st birthday and all I really wanted to do was go into Shakespeares, and talk to him about how I had also fallen for Romeo.

Thank you bouncers of Austin.

snort.

Love this post!

And everytime I hear ma’am, it makes me want to kill myself. Is that too over dramatic?

Yes I is.

The last time I got carded was when my husband and I were out of town. The husband had had a LOT to drink and still wanted one more drink before we went back to the hotel room (to pass out). When he walked in, he loudly asked if we were in a gay bar. We were not. I put husband on the porch and went to order our drinks. After getting carded while everyone was glaring at me, I couldn’t find my wallet (it was in the bag but I was flustered). I just went back to the porch and told the husband they wouldn’t serve us. He was so mad but it convinced him to leave.

About 4 years ago, I was carded to enter an R-rated movie. Holy god, I almost kissed that pimply faced boy right on the lips.

Two years ago, I decided to grow out my beard, just because. I decided to keep it because shaving is for suckers. There are huge gray patches in the beard. At about the same time, I desperately needed my eyes checked and ended up with glasses for the first time ever. I also started wearing my hair shorter, which showed off the patches of gray even more.

Now I get carded every single time. WTF? It’s not a disguise!. They aren’t Groucho Marx fake nose and moustache glasses!

Way to wear that whipper-snapper down…Good thing you didn’t have to flash him (see these boobs! These ain’t no 20 year old boobs.)