My 2009 New Year Resolutions
January 3rd, 2009
1. I will stop telling my husband that the reason I have to drink a glass of wine every night is because “I’m under a lot of pressure from the PTA.”
2. I will apologize to my neighbor for 1) signing her up for Rosie O’Donnell’s e-mail subscriber list and 2) telling her that I only did it because she reminds me so much of Rosie when she was in that Flinstones movie.
3. I will finally see what my gym looks like from the inside.
4. I will no longer approach pregnant women in public and helpfully suggest that they name their unborn baby “Apollonia 6.”*
5. I shall embrace vacuuming as an art form.
6. I will plan meals in advance so that I don’t find myself in the kitchen at 5 p.m. trying to make my family’s dinner out of two bottles of grape Pedialyte and a half-empty bag of Meow Mix (aka The Purple Pussy Casserole).*
7. I will finally learn how to swim.
8. I will quit telling everyone that I’m listening to cool bands like My Morning Jacket on my iPod when what I’m really listening to is Barry Manilow: Live! and loving every whitebread, lame-ass second of it. Yeah, that’s right. I said BARRY. Cause Barry writes the songs that make the whole world sing. What the hell has that Lil Wayne ever done that makes the whole world sing? Uh-huh. That’s right. Didn’t think so.
9. Instead of getting angry when an obnoxious solicitor calls, this year I will instead hand the phone to 5 year-old Jack and tell him that the guy on the other end really wants to hear all about his favorite Pokemon characters. In explicit detail.
10. I will make a valid effort to stop sending drunk e-mails to Larry King each night with the subject line: For The Love Of God, Pleeze Do The Earth A Favor And Just QUIT Already, You 200 Year-Old Suspender-Wearin’ Hack!! We Laydeez Needz Us Some Eye Candeee ASAP!!!!
11. I will explain to husband that it really embarrasses me when he tells people that my favorite movie of all time is Tori Spelling’s “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” when it’s really “Big Momma’s House: 2.” I mean, come on. That shit’s hi-larious, man.
12. I will wear matching socks. (At least once a week.)*
13. I will help 7 year-old Sam understand that his new year’s resolution can’t be to “Be more awesome.”
And perhaps the most challenging one of all:
14. This year I’m going to really,really try my best to stop writing blog posts while whacked out on generic Benadryl.*
(*Resolution already broken.)
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized
52 Comments
Add your own1. noreply@blogger.com (Melissa) | January 3rd, 2009 at 10:26 am
I never wear matching socks when I work out. They are all the same style, but the writing on the bottom is in different colors. I’m such a rebel that way.
And Larry King? Is starting to look like an alien. Be afraid.
2. noreply@blogger.com (rightonmom) | January 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Your goals are ambitous but entirely doable. I unashamedly listen to Pieces of 8 by Styx. Kanye is damn good though. And have Jack wear his Diamond Jack mustache as he talks about Peekachoo and the gang.
Happy New Year!
3. noreply@blogger.com (Ann's Rants) | January 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Okay, I might actually read have to your posts thoroughly b/c you are so damn funny. Thanks a lot. Like I have the energy for this.
4. noreply@blogger.com (bernthis) | January 3rd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I would like to know what is so wrong with a meal of Meow mix and Pedialyte and there is no reason for you to go inside the gym as I’m sure they can mail you a brochure with lovely photos of what you will find inside those door.
5. noreply@blogger.com (Angela) | January 3rd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I really like bernthis’ comment about the gym. I’m pretty sure she’s right.
6. noreply@blogger.com (misshoneybee519) | January 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
My New Year’s Resolution is to be as witty as you, Wendi, while whacked on on generic Benadryl.
7. noreply@blogger.com (Kate Tabor) | January 3rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Oh, yes – Barry! Can’t smile without you!
I’m thinking the gym is not going to see my not so skinny white ass this year. Mindless gerbil activity as far as I can see.
8. noreply@blogger.com (marathon mom) | January 3rd, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I look forward to it! Happy New Year!
9. noreply@blogger.com (*Akilah Sakai*) | January 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 pm
LOL! For the love of God, will you be my best friend? *crickets*
I really need to head to a gym, or at least attempt to “ride” the treadmill in my basement, but I may look into vacuuming as an art form instead. Thanks Wendi!
10. noreply@blogger.com (Anna Lefler) | January 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Seriously, unless you’ve been there, NO ONE understands PTA pressure.
Drink up.
XO
A.
11. noreply@blogger.com (Marinka) | January 4th, 2009 at 4:09 am
This is hysterical. I never knew that you had so much to work on. I mean, I suspected, but it’s nice to have confirmation.
12. noreply@blogger.com (Fairly Odd Mother) | January 4th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I was once a member of the Barry Manilow Fan Club. Sure, I was 9, but he was once a big deal in my life.
13. noreply@blogger.com (pat) | January 4th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Well the wine is good for your heart, aso you can alternate that one…All the best to you and your poor family in 2009.
(just kiddin of course)
14. noreply@blogger.com (R.) | January 4th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I’m going to have to agree with 7 year-old Sam that “Be more awesome” is indeed a valid New Year’s resolution.
15. noreply@blogger.com (Average Jane) | January 4th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
That’s it – I’m refusing to make any new year’s resolutions unless I can think of funny ones.
16. noreply@blogger.com (cheryl) | January 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
i love barry,and i don’t care who knows it lol
17. noreply@blogger.com (lisa) | January 4th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
You’re better off than you think…
no swim (#7) = no need for a swimsuit body = no need for a gym embership (#3)
Glad we got that straightened out.
18. noreply@blogger.com (hokgardner) | January 4th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Did I ever tell you I’m a former swim coach? I’ll give you swim lessons, whenever you want.
19. noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) | January 4th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I will never tell my husband that I need to drink a glass (or a bottle) of wine, a few beers, or anything else I want to drink just because I’m under so much stress. I will do just bef*$ckin cause I want to!!!
20. noreply@blogger.com (Kris with a K) | January 4th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Wendi, a kindred spirit!! I do love me some Barry. I was so happy when I was able to replace my LP of Live! with a CD…. dang, that is some great walking music, and long drive in a car music! And I still giggle at “Reparata, from Lady Flash”! (btw, I have the LP of Lady Flash, too. It’s awesomely photoedited in an 80s kind of way.)
21. noreply@blogger.com (MadMad) | January 4th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Oooooh, I like No. 9… that’s a handy one!
22. noreply@blogger.com (the mama bird diaries) | January 4th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Lets start a facebook group encouraging larry king to retire. Who is watching that show???
23. noreply@blogger.com (Amy) | January 4th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Isn’t wearing matching socks always on your list? Even Jack doesn’t match his socks, must come from you!
24. noreply@blogger.com (Cheryl Prater) | January 5th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Wait a minute…..does this New Year’s post mean you’re not posting today? Come on! I sprung out of bed this morning at the realization that today=Monday=new Wendi rant! I came over here and found a stale three day old list. Don’t leave me hangin, girl. I mean, you don’t HAFTA scrape up another post, but it’d be way cooler if you did.
25. noreply@blogger.com (Belle) | January 5th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Seriously? I’m with you on the swimming thing, but whats wrong with the other things? I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. You seem perfectly normal to me!
26. noreply@blogger.com (Christy) | January 5th, 2009 at 6:42 am
I just shot coffee out my nose at “Purple Pussy Casserole.”
27. noreply@blogger.com (Kate) | January 5th, 2009 at 8:07 am
#13 — “Be more awesome” is actually an *excellent* resolution. Easy to keep! In fact, I hearby declare that to be MY New Year’s resolution. I’m already making excellent progress.
28. noreply@blogger.com (TLCknits) | January 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am
very funny.. I personally want my nephews T-shirt in my size…
Welcome to COOLSVILLE!
Population: me
29. noreply@blogger.com (jamey r) | January 5th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I stand behind your PTA defense.Now help me come up with and excuse for the second glass…
30. noreply@blogger.com (San Diego Momma) | January 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
What’s this crap about “be more awesome” not ranking as a New Year’s resolution? It’s been my resolution for 15 years now, and I’m not totally sucking at it very much.
Also, Barry IS the man. I gotta side with you on that one.
31. noreply@blogger.com (Domestic Goddess (In Training)) | January 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Ahhh, to have goals. But seriously, can I get that purple cassarole recipe? I just so happen to have the ingredients on hand. Wait… I have bubble gum pedialyte? Will pink substitute?
32. noreply@blogger.com (Lady Weasel) | January 5th, 2009 at 11:52 am
My new year’s resolution is to not et out unless someone else pays for it. So far, I’ve been to Taco Bueno and Taco Bell on MY dime. ~sigh~
33. noreply@blogger.com (DragonTrollQueen) | January 5th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Way cool Wendy!
My kind of resolutions…sort of…oh and to moi, vacuuming is NOT an artform…that’s considered HARD TIME-lol!
Don’t use me as a ruler- I think any resolutions that don’t require a restraining order are good enough.
BTW, you are a HOOT!
34. noreply@blogger.com (Momma B) | January 5th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Ok, now you have gone and topped all of your other posts! I mean, really! That is FU$K@NG hilarious! Yep, I said it! HILARIOUS!!!!!!
35. noreply@blogger.com (HoodChick) | January 5th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
LMAO – these are the best resolutions I’ve seen yet. I can’t crack on the Barry jams, my husband had me load Stayin’ Alive and I thought he was a dork. But I totally rock out when it comes on!
36. noreply@blogger.com (Deb) | January 5th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I want me some purple pussy casserole asap.
I actually like Larry King! Besides, Anderson Cooper is on after him, and he is a total hottie.
37. noreply@blogger.com (Lisa--aka The Gardenweasel) | January 5th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
My 14-year-old friend of my son’s suggested you just tell a telemarketer your latest dream. She did this and now, it is our secret weapon on combating telemarketing evil.
38. noreply@blogger.com (Heather) | January 6th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Thanks for the great idea about putting my kids on the phone for solicitation calls. Vacuuming as a kind of art form? Why do you need a gym membership you could make vacuuming an art form and exercise killing 2 birds with 1 stone.
39. noreply@blogger.com (Tracy) | January 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
This. Is. Hilarious. Thanks so much for the great post!!
(To the Tune of Barry’s This One’s for You)
You’ve done a hundred blogs
From fantasy to lies
But this one’s so real for me
That I’m the one who cries
And I read it every day
And I fight to hide the tears
Cause this one’s for you
This one’s for you
40. noreply@blogger.com (ingrid) | January 7th, 2009 at 7:10 am
41. noreply@blogger.com (Cat) | January 7th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Huh, pressure from the PTA. I like that excuse. Can I use it if I don’t actually have children? Or know what the PTA technically does?
42. noreply@blogger.com (Ducksoop) | January 7th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I found you on Mrs G’s blog and girl, you are hilarious! Love the blog and love the resolutions.
43. noreply@blogger.com (Carmi) | January 7th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Thank you for giving me the biggest sustained laugh thus far this year. I needed it.
You really should write comedy. Seriously.
44. noreply@blogger.com (Queen Goob) | January 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
I just had one resolution this year – to lose weight. So my loving daughter took me out this evening for a "walk", made me run, I puked in the neighbor's yard said "F*&#^$%@ THIS" came in and popped open an ice cold beer.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
45. noreply@blogger.com (Oh, The Joys) | January 7th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I can’t match socks. That is an effing deal breaker for me and this list.
46. noreply@blogger.com (lizarosenberg) | January 8th, 2009 at 7:43 am
Now I can’t stop thinking about Purple Pussy Casserole and laughing. Could be a problem when I get on the train in 30 minutes…
47. noreply@blogger.com (Bonnie the Boss) | January 9th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
I loved every single one of those! If you weren’t on Benadryl would you be funnier? I can’t even imagine that.
48. noreply@blogger.com (Stefanie) | January 10th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Okay, this is for realz. My favorite Lifetime movie is Mother May I Sleep With Danger. I devoted a whole chapter to it in my new book. The chapter’s called WWTSD and it’s all about breaking up with a guy by pretending that I’m the one who’s crazy (“It’s my mom! She’s the one keeping us apart!) Oh Tori!
49. noreply@blogger.com (Sh*t That Bugs Me) | January 10th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I want you to bring that purple pussy casserole to your next PTA meeting. Don’t forget to put that little placecard next the dish!
50. noreply@blogger.com (Gray Matter) | January 17th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Heh, you said pussy.
51. Kate | July 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Fun fact: Barry didn’t write “I Write the Songs.” Talk about false advertising.
52. Bizz | November 7th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
um…is there any Benadryl left? I have Bloggers Block, it could help. Trust me, even if it knocked me out it couldn’t make it worse.
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