The 12 Days of Halloween, Give or Take a Day
Monday, October 27th, 2008
On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
A big bag of chocolate candy
On the second day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Two Snickers bars
And a big bag of chocolate candy
On the third day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And a big bag of chocolate candy
On the fourth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Four Bit-O-Honeys
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And big bag of chocolate candy
On the fifth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
FIIIVVVEEE CAAAANNNNDDDYYY CORRRNNNS
Four Bit-O-Honeys
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And a big bag of chocolate candy
On the sixth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Six rolls of back fat
Seven pounds of cellulite
And eight body parts a-jigglin’…?
Um, WTF, True Love?
Seriously, what’s the deal with all of this Trick-or-Treat candy? Don’t you know by now that I can’t contain myself around anything “Funsized”? That I have the impulse control of a hyper-active toddler? That I’m perfectly willing to trade-in our king-sized bed for a king-sized Kit Kat? And surely you remember last year when I tried to shoot-up three pounds of melted Butterfingers, then nearly OD’d on Twizzlers? See, the thing is, I just can’t be around anything that comes in a brightly-colored wrapper or I might do something crazy like fill up the bathtub with miniature Mr.Goodbars and then try to drown myself. What can I say? I’m very weak.
So, please, True Love. Please return all 5,730 pieces of this candy to the nearest Costco warehouse just as soon as you can. This Halloween, we’re giving out pennies.
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