Monday:

Wear hat that says “Grateful Dead: Tour Alumni” and features a bright, red skull to the elementary school assembly. Attempts to explain that I only bought the hat because I won a gift certificate to The Head Shop do nothing to dispel my quickly growing reputation of Doobie Mom.

Tuesday:

Step into ant mound outside of school and let Samuel Jackson’s favorite expletive fly as radioactive hell ants devour feet.

Still wearing hat.

Wednesday:

Show up at wrong house for school volunteer meeting. Finally get to right house and walk in late to meeting. Sit in meeting for 10 minutes until meeting leader says this is the wrong meeting and to come back tomorrow for right meeting. Apparently, don’t need hat to be Doobie Mom.

Thursday:

Make a fresh start today and show up at the right house for the right volunteer meeting at the right time. Five minutes in, tell woman who has dollar bills stuffed into her shirt pocket, “Wow, looks like someone had a good night!” Sign up for something and leave before she throws coffee cake.

Friday:

In grand escape from Dollar Woman, signed up for Origami Torture duty. Must now fold 20 pieces of brown construction paper into architectural models of The Louvre so the Kindergarten class can learn about circles. Start drinking on Louvre #2.

Saturday:

Instead of reading classic novel assigned by Book Club, watch two hours of “The E! True Hollywood Story: Serial Killers”. At midnight, remember husband is out of town. Amass weapons cache of plastic light sabers and meat thermometers in case any John Wayne Gacy Jr.’s are on the loose in the subdivision.

Sunday:

Apologize to cat for 3 a.m. light saber attack. Apologize to friend for asking if she got her shirt from the 30% off rack at Target. Apologize to son for wine and tear stains on origami Louvres. Apologize to husband for meat thermometer surprise under pillow.

Donate hat to Goodwill.

Wendi Aarons